Emma & Tosca

Having recently viewed the wonderful movie Julie & Julia, I have discovered a new venture for my blog. I got an awesome cookbook from my trainer Kelly called "The Eat Clean Diet" Cookbook. I've made only one recipe out of it and had no time to even eat it I was so busy. This was in October and to this day the soup is sitting frozen in my freezer.

Most of you may not remember (I say most of you in hopes that I have many readers, when in reality it's only a few, hey one can dream) but I am currently in competition mode to become the new Miss State and compete for Miss America one day. So eating clean needs to be a priority of mine. Not only will it trim my tummy (thank you turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie) but it will give me more energy and make my skin look great. You get out what you put in right?

So in honor of the new year, I am going to cook through Tosca's entire cookbook, one recipe at a time and share with you how I hope it will change my mood and my figure. Here goes nothin!

Bah, Humbug.

Christmas is filled with so many wonderful things. Carols, presents, delicious foods, hot chocolate, tinsel, presents, the list goes on forever. This year I have discovered that I have annoyances about the holiday as well....

1. Sad Christmas Songs. Like "Christmas Shoes" for example. I can't freaking stand that song. Sure, I understand that it's all about helping people during the holidays but why does it just have to be during the holidays? Why can't it just be called "The Shoes" and it be played all year round? Why does it have to squash and rip apart the joy of Christmas? I mean lets be honest, this song was probably meant to be endearing but it's really not a warm the heart kind of song. It makes one extremely sad to hear it and it probably will be followed by a river of tears. That is not Christmas!!! I feel like we have to sing out these gut wrenchers to get people to feel sorry for the poor and give back. Maybe we should do it all year round, not just when we fell warm and fuzzy during the holidays. Now if you want to hear a REAL Christmas song, download "The Virgin's Lullaby."

2. The person at the store who buys out an entire item so no one else can get one. That really pisses me off. For example... I was in line (an absurdly long one might I add) at the Coach outlet in Allen, TX the night of Thanksgiving. I am a Black Friday champion and scoring a good deal always makes my holiday a better one. The store opened at 11 and Maury and I got there at 11:15. I was waiting for over an hour, watching as people poured out of the store with their purchases. Then an Asian woman comes out with a huge bag big enough for three large purchases and she proceeds to pull out at least 50 wristlets. I mean really? I am convinced that she bought one for every single woman in her family and then some. It really annoyed me. That to me is so selfish. I almost wondered if she lived in Chinatown NY and was going to go back to her hole in the wall hangbag shop and sell them in the secret back room for more than she paid. That was rude, but I'm sorry. I just wish people would take the time to think of others.

3. The TransSiberian Orchestra or however you spell it. I can't stand them either. All of their music sounds the same and they are the only "band" or whatever that our local radio stations talk about. It's ridiculous. I have no desire to ever see them. I'll take Bing Crosby any day.

4. And speaking of Christmas music, I am already sick of it. I mean it basically started on Halloween this year. What ever happened to the Harvest and Thanksgiving? The Pilgrims and Indians and the Mayflower and kindergardeners making homemade butter in a circle. What happened to that?!

5. Stupid women. This isn't really a holiday specific, more of a general annoyance of mine. It just so happens that I experienced some of its finest this weekend at Maury's company Christmas party. It was a fabulous party. Fun people, good food, drinks and dancing. There were a few women however that abused the open bar a little too much. I have no problem with drinking, in fact I enjoy a drink or two often, on special occasions or dinner nights and dates with my love. Everything in moderation is key here and these ladies know nothing of the sort. They were both new to the company which makes it even worse and an hour into the party were wasted. Whatever happened to class? A glass of wine, champagne, a simple cocktail? I felt like I was at a sorority date party and these girls had never been to an open bar before. One of the girls brought her sister as her date and then dissed her and left with some guy she met. It's a sad thing, I think.

All in all, I really do love Christmas, but sometimes enough is just enough. Some things are just better limited or even left out all together.

Oh Holy Night.

This is my absolute favorite time of year. The traditions, the music, the food, family, everything. I love it so much.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday (with Halloween coming in at a close second.) since I was a child. I don't know if it's the magic or what but it's about that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you know Christmas is coming.

2 years ago, I wrote, produced and directed a Christmas play for my parents home church. It was based on the book "The Indescribable Gift." It's the christmas story based on Mary's point of view. When I was first introduced to the the book, I immediately thought that it would make a good show. I wrote the script and put together all the music. It turned out to be one of the best creations I have ever made. The music and script flowed so well. The actors were perfect in their roles. It was a gift from God. I was so honored to have been chosen to give that gift to so many.

I am often reminded of the Christmas story. It's so easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I try to imagine what it was like to have been there on that bitter cold night when my Lord and Savior entered the world. I often wonder how Mary did it. Only being thirteen and betrothed to a man well into his thirties. She was to bear the Son of God. She was bringing God himself, in human form into the world. Because of her willingness to answer the call, she was apart of saving mankind. People are enamored with the birth of Christ, which they should be and so am I, but I often think of Mary as well. What an example of faith, trust and servanthood. How indescribable.

The 3-Day 2009

I DID IT!!!

I walked 60 miles for the cure! Boy, my legs have never been so sore! I made it out alive with only one blister this year! That was a feat in and of itself.

Day one was great. Maury kept us walking at a good pace and we finished earlier this year than we did last year. I remember being so miserable last year. My legs hurt, I had blister after blister and could barely walk. This year we got to shower early and just hang out. That was unheard of last year. We had to wait in line for the showers and it was freezing cold. This year the weather was so nice. I felt so much better this year and it made it more fun.

Day two was rough. It was a really emotional day for me. I wasn't able to walk the second day last year so I was determined in my mind to make it. I honestly couldn't have done it without Maury. He pushed me the whole way to keep going. He was constantly thinking of me and my needs over his and always encouraging me. I am so so lucky to have him. I think I fell in love with him all over again this weekend :)

Day three was bitter sweet. It was a long hard day, but so rewarding. That's what the 3-Day is all about. It pushes you to your limit. You have to do things you never thought you could and go places you never thought you would go. Even when you are tired and achy and you feel like you can't go on, you have to. It challenges your spirit. Makes you realize the little things in life that are overlooked. It's just like cancer. It may destroy you physically, but you have to stay positive and keep going. Remission is the goal, but for some it's a long hard road to get there.

It felt so good to be apart of something bigger than myself. To work hard to make a difference. I'm already looking forward to The 3-Day 2010.

Get Ready, Get Ready, GET READY!!

The 3-day is in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!! I am so excited I cannot stand it. I'm excited and sad at the same time, because in 2 weeks it will be over... :( I can't believe it's been a year since I first participated. Crazy how time flies! This year I WILL make it all three days. I had to sit out day 2 last year because my feet hurt so bad. Bu this year, it will be different! I've trained a lot more than I did last year, so hopefully that will help.

So, I celebrated a birthday two weeks ago. 23!! Yay for me! My birthday was awesome! I had a horrible 22nd birthday so I am glad this one turned out so well. I went to my favorite sushi restaurant with my family and then I was supposed to go over to Maury's sister's house for dessert afterwards. Maury had text me early that morning (at like 12:00am) and told me Happy Birthday and that we would talk later that afternoon. So you can imagine my disappointment when I hadn't heard from him by dinner with my family. So on my way over to his sister's house, I was secretly hoping he would be there, but I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up because it was in fact a Tuesday and he couldn't have driven up and then made it back to work the next day and all. So I pulled in the drive and there was no car :( Boo. I was sad but decided to make the best of it and went inside. When I got inside he was standing there with flowers and a cake! He had flown all the way in to see me on my birthday.

I am so lucky to have him in my life. He makes me feel special and important every day and I love him so much for that. I am so thankful for him!

Oink Oink

I honestly did everything I could. I wash my hands ALL the time, especially at work and have been through about 2,485 bottles of hand sanitizer in the last 6 months. I changed my toothbrush about every month and made it my morning routine to gulp down a huge 8 oz. glass of EMERGEN-C.

But I got it. Yep. The Swine has fully infected my being.

I was working this weekend and on saturday night we got an admit close to the end of the shift. A 6 yr. old male with cerebral palsy and and upper respiratory infection. Standard precaution. No biggie. Except that he had a horrible, hacking, barky cough. And yes he coughed and hacked all over me.

So yesterday I am struggling to make it through my monday 4 hour lecture. I was so tired and just feeling yucky. I went out to my mom's for our 3-day dinner (Only 5 weeks left!) and was starting this random cough thing. I thought it was just a random tickle so I brushed it off. Then came the body aches and the fever. Awesome. I knew I had it, and I knew that kid had it too.

So I called the hospital and sure enough, he and his mother were both diagnosed yesterday. Oh the joys of working with the ill.

So Now I am at home in bed, missing school, which I desperately tried to avoid. I am so afraid of failing and having to repeat. Ugh. I won't worry though. I know God will take care of me.

Emma's Anatomy Part I

I am seriously in love with Grey's Anatomy.  I can't get enough of it.  I just started watching the old seasons again to get ready for the premiere this week.  

A lot of people that I work with don't even watch the show.  They don't watch any show medical related.  They say they can't stand to sit at home and watch on TV what they see every day in the hospital.  I don't know how.  I'm not like them.  I guess I am the weird one, because I love it.  

I love all the characters.  My dream would be to have Addison Montgomery's job.  Neonatal Surgeon.  I love love love critical care, especially with neonates.  I love pregnancy, labor, delivery and care of the baby after birth.  I hate that she left to start her own practice in Cali.  And I hate that she's currently having an affair with her pregnant patient's husband.  

I love how smart Meredith Grey is.  She is like really book smart.  Like that straight A student everyone hated in school because you know you would never have a higher GPA than her.  And her mother was a surgical god.  Aside from all of her family/father/evil mother/abandonment issues she's amazing.  And she has a hot neurosurgeon boyfriend to boot.  Everyone hates her, but I love her.  

I can't find any words to describe my love for Yang.  She's cut throat, vicious, on top of her game amazing. She's got that kid of fire that makes me want to make a difference in life.  She is passionate and loves what she does.  She rocks my world.  

George has compassion. He works really well with people and he makes people feel comfortable.  He's like the sweet little baby surgeon.  He's so cute and cuddly, which unfortunately makes it difficult for others to take him seriously.  I love his sense of humor and his clumsiness.  He's so scatterbrained.  He makes me laugh.  I hate the he dies, I hate it.  He is such an intricate part of the team.  I will miss him. Maybe he'll come back Denny style in a dream or something.  

Izzie is involved.  She just is way too involved.  She reminds me a lot of myself.  I would be the type of person to feel sorry for a patient and pay for their surgery.  But that can't happen in the real world.  But, I love her story.  Grew up in a trailer park, modeled sexy lingerie to pay off student loans. Basically put herself through medical school.  I love it, and I love her.  

Alex is an ass.  Plain and simple.  I feel for him though.  His whole daddy beat up mommy issue and such.  I can understand why he is the way he is, even though I don't think they're should be any excuse for being an ass.  Plus he's hot. 

Nutella

Life is really annoying sometimes.  I am exhausted.  This weekend was supposed to help me catch up now I feel even more behind.  

Friday afternoon, I got a call to do a farewell video for a local outstanding teen here in my hometown.  They had asked someone previously to do the video and it didn't turn out so well, so they were frantically looking for someone to re-do it. That's where I came in.  Normally I would have said no, but I am in desperate need of extra cash and I didn't have very much homework.  So I said yes.  I went home that evening and started on it and ended up staying awake until 4am.  I woke up the next day and spent another hour or so finishing up.  It ended up really great, and I am proud of the work.  I am hoping the word will spread and I will be asked to do more of them.  

Which leads me to my next issue of life.  Exhaustion.  Nursing school is getting hard.  I am in school 4 days a week and working at the hospital in the evenings three of those 4 days.  It's draining.  My charge nurse told me last night to take a break...scale back to a few less days, but I just can't.  I will have NO MONEY.  My parents can't help me anymore and I refuse to ask them because I don't want the financial trouble to hang over me for the next 2 years.  

I called in this afternoon to work and my boss was less than thrilled.  I was so pissed off and so upset at the same time.  I hate the feeling of not being able to do it all and help, but I can't do it anymore.  I can't run run run and not expect the consequences.  I will FAIL nursing school if my schedule continues like this.  I may just have to suck it up and work on Friday even though I HATE the thought of that.  I hardly ever get to see Maury and that's when I usually go down or he comes up.  

So the stress is killing me and to top it all off, I need to catch up in school and I have a test tomorrow.  I know I will make it though.  I have to press on and push through.  

Until tomorrow, I will sit and eat my favorite non-pageant friendly snack.  Nutella.  It's a delicious chocolate-hazelnut spread.  And yes, I eat it straight out of the jar with a spoon.  It's soooo yummy.  Just me, my nutella and school tonight.  

Weed It Out

My anxiety has a mind of it's own. An evil mind, that is. It causes me more strife, confusion and misery than I care to have in one day. I have been perfectly fine, with help from God. This last week has been one of my happiest in a long long time and I owe it all to him. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to finally have the opportunity to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse. Nursing school has been so exhilarating. I love every minute of it.

But yesterday that all came to a screeching halt. I was having a great morning, just finished my work out and met Maury at Panera Bread. Then it hit me like a a ton of bricks. My anxiety over such small, petty and to be perfectly honest ridiculous issues. But for some reason it was killing me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't relax. I had trouble staying focused on everyday things like laundry and taking a shower. I wanted to crawl under the bed and die. I felt numb, scared, nauseated and miserable. I prayed quietly for God to help me. But, it lasted all night.

So today I woke up and decided to get a head start on my day. I finished up a few projects around the house and waited for Maury to finish golf with his dad so we could spend the afternoon together. I went outside to get the mail and as I was walking back up the sidewalk I noticed one of my plants in the flower bed looked like the life had been sucked out of it. But ironically there were big, bright green leaves growing in and all around it. They were weeds. I began pulling and ripping them out, one by one. There was one in particular that was very difficult to pull. It's roots were in so deep I had to dig with my hands to get under them and pull them out. Then it hit me.....My anxieties are like weeds. They grow in and out and around and all the while, they are choking the life out of me. I realized that there are some days I am going to have to get down on my hands and knees and rip them out. Really dig in and get my hands dirty and weed the anxiety out of my life. And the ironic thing is, is that I had never noticed them before (the real weeds I mean.) They looked exactly like the normal leaves on the plant. And this is exactly what the devil does to me. He disguises the bad things as things that look normal to me until the root is in so deep that it will take forever to dig it out.

I am thankful for revelation. I am thankful that God could show me, in a proactive way, how to handle my anxiety. All I need to do is weed it out.

New Recipe :)

I also wanted to share this new recipe I've discovered.  It didn't really belong in the first post and it's sooooo good, I decided it deserves its own :) 

I call it "Poor Man Macaroni"

1/2 lb. lean ground beef.  

1 1/2 cups of whole wheat macaroni.

1 can  Campbell's Healthy Request Cream of Mushroom soup.

approx. 2 cups shredded Cabot 75% reduced fat sharp cheddar cheese. 

1 can of french fried onion rings

Pre-heat over to 350 degrees

Cook meat and drain

Cook noodles and drain

Set aside 1/2 cup cheese for later

Mix meat, noodles, cheese and soup in large mixing bowl

Transfer to baking dish

Sprinkle remaining cheese and french fried onion on top

Bake for 10-15 minutes or until bubbly and onions are golden brown and crunchy

Enjoy! 

Who Would Have Thought?

Yesterday was a good day!  I took my first nursing exam.  I was only one point away from passing.  Yep, just one point.  I know you are probably saying... "She got a 69%?" No, I got a 75.  See in nursing school a passing grade is a 76.  

I was actually very pleased with my results.  I did way better than I thought I would.  But, I do have a few gripes.... 

This story starts a long way back... probably about 2 months or so ago.  I floated (at work) to another floor and was talking to a few of the aides.  We were discussing nursing school and one of them was telling me how she was starting the same program that I was on the alternate list for, in the fall.  She then proceeded to tell me how she had gotten her pervious associate's degree in Liberal Arts and wasn't interested really in the sciences.  I was a little shocked and thought to myself..."How did she get in with a LA degree and I didn't, but I have a Pre-Nursing degree?"  So I asked her what her GPA was and she said "3.0" Aha! Mine was only a 2.6.  So I get it.  They let her in over me because of GPA.  

This made me really mad.  I was like  "SERIOUSLY?! They are going to let some girl in with no background in science whatsoever, besides Bio? "Of course she has a 3.0!  How hard are humanities classes?" 

Fast Forward to yesterday.  This same girl is sitting one chair over from me during the test.  I have become some what of friends with her and another girl, Anna.  Ironic huh?  So we take the test, and afterwards we are allowed to do a "walkthrough."  The walkthrough is designed for us to look over the test questions and correct answers to see how we did.  It also provides the rationale for each question.  So I asked her how she did and she said " I missed 20."  20 questions.  Wrong.  On a 44 question exam.  She them exclaimed, "I'll never be able to make this up.  I think I'll have to drop out." 

See this is the kind of situation that bugs the heck out of me.  Here she is,  a Liberal Arts major and after the first test, is already going to give up.  That spot could have gone to someone like me.  Someone who worked their butt off to take the really hard sciences, and tried desperately to raise their less than stellar GPA.  It just goes to show you that some things in life are flawed.  Just like this application/admission process.  

I am so thankful that God allowed me a spot.  I am so thankful to be a apart of this program and I'm not complaining, I just feel like fairness really plays no part.  There is way too much emphasis placed on strict academics.  But, oh well.  At least I am here, and I know I WILL NOT GIVE UP.  I will finish this programs if it kills me.  

I told her not to give up.  To press on and make it through.  I hope she does, for the sake of all the other "me's" out there. 

Well, it's the end of week 2. I am loving everything about this program. I have no doubts about where I am supposed to fit in in the work force.

Week one was really easy. This week has been significantly harder.  My first test is tomorrow.  I'm a little nervous about it, but not as nervous as I think I should be.  I've studied, but these kinds of tests are not just regurgitation of information.  It's a completely different way of thinking.  Every answer is right, but you have to choose the best answer.  We'll see how it goes.  

Last night was the big benefit for the 3-day.  We had a really great turnout and raised $2,700.00 for the walk.  I am SO excited about the walk.  It's going to be really emotional to have my mom with me, but I can't wait.  

I love this time of year.  It's my absolute FAV.  The weather is cooler, Halloween is coming, then Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I love the Holidays.  This next stretch of 4 months will be fabulous.

I'm On My Way.

Yesterday was the day the rest of my life began.  

I GOT INTO NURSING SCHOOL!!!!

I had never been more excited to receive the news a week ago.  Yesterday was my first day, and I am now happy to say that I'm actually enjoying learning about something I care about.  It's been a rough process to try and get everything ready, but I have never been more happy to do it.  It thrills me to wake up every morning one day closer to being an RN. 

So, I have found my new theme for the blog: Nursing School.  I'll be blogging every so often about the events of school and such.  I'm so excited to start on my new journey and to share it with everyone.  It's been a LONG time coming. :)

Hittin the Pavement WALKING.

13 weeks until the 3-day.  That's 90 days.  Got up with the team this morning (Maury and Donna were missing) and walked 4 miles! I am proud of myself.  I haven't walked that much in awhile.  6:00 am came really early, but I made it and I am proud :)

So I have officially decided to compete again.  I am REALLY REALLY excited.  My local pageant is in about two months.  I am working with two of the best people, who have an amazing track record of state winners this year.  I have always wanted to work with them, but it never worked out.  But now it's my turn! Preparations are in full swing and I am loving it.  

My bead business is really taking off.  I am selling and buying and taking orders and coming up with new and better ideas.  It's thrilling.  I love making money doing things that I enjoy.  I don't feel like I get to use the creative side of my brain in Nursing so this has become the perfect outlet.  

Things are really great right now.  My mom said to me the other day...

"We have to focus on the positive things in life, not the negative.  When we do this, everything else falls into place."

I am waking up on the positive side of life more these days.  

Zippity Doo Da.

Work Wednesday night was a NIGHTMARE. 

Census has been extremely low lately at the hospital. We had only 3 or 4 when I went in on Wed.  So I was sent up to 9 to sit.  Sitting involves watching over a pt and making sure they stay in bed, don't pull out IV's, eat, etc.  I go on up and am told by the nurse that my pt has "confusion" going on and she needs to be monitored.  Okay, I say.  Sounds pretty easy. 

The first four hours were manageable.  I was hanging out in my chair reading my book and she all of the sudden sits up in bed and asks me kindly to make the elderly man in the doorway leave.  I get up and go around the corner and there is no one there.  I told her no one was there and she said, "Oh okay."  I was a little freaked but I sat back down and kept reading.  Then she started talking.  Not to me but to her mother.  Her mother wasn't there either.  She went onto having full on conversations with people.  Then she started calling me "Mary."  That is her daughter in law.  She started introducing me to the other "people" in the room as Mary.  I kept reminding her she was in the hospital and that I was not Mary.  

Then came the unimaginable.  She shoots out of bed and starts yelling that she has an appointment to get to.  She begs me to let her out of bed and leave and I calmly try to explain to her where she is.  She had a bed alarm on so when she placed her feet on the floor it went off. A few other staff members came running in to help and she starts yelling "HELP! HELP!" She thought she was at her apartment and needed to get to the hospital. She kept telling them that I screwed her up and it was my fault she was confused.  She was so angry at me, which she thought I was Mary and screamed at me to get out of her face and leave her alone.  She wouldn't let me touch her, console her, nothing.  She told me that I ruined her birthday and that I was happy I ruined it.  

It was so awful.  I was shaking so badly and had to take a break in the hallway.  The staff saw how shaken up I was and offered to send me to another room, so I went.  When I got to my new room I sat with two sweet little ladies.  We sat and watched movies and talked.  At about 10:00pm I was reading my book quietly and I hear whispering.  I look over and the little lady next to me was saying her prayers.  Thanking God for "blessing" her life and for watching over her.  I lost it.  She had told me earlier that her husband was terminally ill and here she is in the hospital not able to be with him.  It struck me like a ton of bricks to here her recite her prayers.  She never once hesitated to thank God in spite of her trials.  

So here I am at work today and I get sent back to the crazy lady's room again.  Thanks to Big D.  I still hate her.  I was really nervous and told them so but they sent me anyway.  So I get up here and they tell me that they had messed up her meds and that's why she went so crazy when I was here. WOW. I had told them that she was hallucinating but did they even bother to check her medication?? NO. It makes me so mad.  

So they changed her meds and now she's as sweet as pie.  We are having a great time.  Thank God. 

How Sweet It Is.

Work was so much fun last night.  Yep, I said it... FUN. We had a really great team and I enjoyed working with them.  It feels refreshing to actually enjoy my job.  

Lately I have been making some headway with my jewelry business.  I call it a business but it is more or less a hobby that Maury's sister and had decided to turn into trying to make some profit.  She and I started with making breast cancer awareness bracelets to raise money for the 3-day.  We tried to sell them at our garage sales and nothing really came out of it, so we gave them to her granny and she ended up selling them to a few of her friends. I was really disappointed so since then I decided to step out of the box and make other types of jewelry.  I taught myself how to make earrings and used more diverse beads for the bracelets. They all turned out super cute!  I was really reluctant to take all of my stuff up to work.  I hate getting hit up to buy all the middle school cookie dough stuff when I'm at work so I thought the same probably goes for jewelry.  Boy was I wrong.  My stuff turned out to be a big hit! I've sold almost all of my stuff and currently have 6 orders for new stuff.  The girls loved it!  My co-worker Ruth asked me to bring all my stuff up to a very popular high school in town to sell.  She is the football coaches wife and she said all the other wives always ask her where she gets her jewelry.  I am really excited!  

My mom and maury's sister and I are hoping to get to go to the biggest craft show this side of the Mississippi, this weekend.  I really want to get a booth at these upcoming shows.  Who knows, maybe my hobby will become more than a hobby!

Here are a few pics of my stuff :)

My job brings out the best and worst in me.  It's almost like I have to take a whole new attitude into work everyday.  

I got floated back to ortho on Wednesday, my first day back.  I was so upset.  I had been gone for two weeks and when I got there, no one even said hello.  Except for Katrina, she said hi and asked where I had been.  But other than that, nothing.   It's like no one had the guts to tell me I was being sent elsewhere.  I looked and found out for myself.  I was so pissed I stormed off the floor and almost started crying.  

So I go up to ortho and find out that I only have 6 pts and I am thinking that it's going to be an okay night, then they slam me.  I am having to spilt the floor with the other aid because one of their regulars didn't show....super.  So needless to say, I was less than excited and really upset.  I was just out of work for two weeks for back problems and they send me to the one floor where aids are required to lift people in and out of bed 90% of the time.  During my shift one guy had broken his tibia and fibia (like completely out of the skin, broken) had a skin graft and an external fixation device.  He weighed at least 190, if not more, and tells me he needs to poop and I have to lift him out of bed....yeah freaking right.  I told the staff I wasn't doing it and they needed the male aid to come over and do it.  

So, at 6:30 The entire night shift shows up and that meant I got to go back to peds.  I was thrilled.  I felt like I had acted really ridiculously and childish and I was disappointed in myself.  Once I decided to accept the fact that things weren't going my way, my day got better and it wasn't so bad.  I felt like the more I fought it, the worse it was getting.  It really is all about attitude and that day mine stunk.  

Just like last night, I was annoyed that we had 9 pts and 3 admits and I was the only aid.  I didn't get to get report, which I hate, because I feel like I don't know what's going on.  So, right when I get there we get two admits at the same time.  My charge, Big D (whom I have some personal issues with, but that's a whole other post.) refuses all other help offered to her and wants me, and only me to help her.  She has issues with control and likes to be bossy, but like I said, I will save her for another post.  So I am running around like crazy trying to get everything she needs.  Starting off the shift annoyed is not good for me because I began to find every small request extremely annoying.  Then I started to feel bad.  These people are in the hospital and they are hurting and it wouldn't hurt for me to quit being such a brat and help them.  So attitude adjustment is the name of the game now.  

To Annoyance and Beyond

People seriously annoy me.  One friend that I have in particular. 

I honestly feel like I have a clingy girlfriend.  I hadn't talked to her in over two weeks.  She used to work evenings with me at the hospital, but since has gotten a new job (thank God) and I don't really see her very often.  She's the one who confided in me that she and her husband would like to have a baby and he believes she needed to cut back her hours to work on their relationship in order to bring a child into the mix.  Yeah, it's pretty bizarre, but whatever.  Ever since then she has been so clingy and annoying.  

So back to the not talking to her for two weeks.  She texts me July 3rd and said she missed me.  I said, I missed her too and she asked how work was going and I told her that I was out of work for two weeks due to my back issues and she says "Has anyone said anything?" And I was like "About what, my back?" and she said "No, anything about me not working there anymore." I was like "Um, no I haven't been to work in a week." It just annoyed me because she is the kind of person that is all about her.  She then kept asking when she was going to see me next and told me two more times how much she missed me.  Then she wrote that she missed me on my wall on FB.  Today is her birthday and she has updated her FB status twice today to tell everyone about it.  Yesterday she updated it twice to remind everyone that today was her birthday.  It's like she desperately wants people to acknowledge her existence.  I felt like she wanted me to invite her to Maury's family cookout for the fourth because she would not let it go. Kept asking "So when will I see you?!"  Two weeks ago when maury was in town she wanted to go to a movie the very night he got here.  I was like DON'T YOU THINK  WE MIGHT WANT TO BE ALONE!?! 

I don't know why I let it bother me, but it does.  She is so annoying and I feel like she's obsessed with me.  I know that sounds really arrogant, but it's honestly how I feel.  I mean, what person says they miss someone that freaking much? I don't even tell my best friend, whom I haven't seen in months, that I miss her that much.  This weekend is her birthday party.  They are all going to the river to camp and float.  I'm not going.  I am going to see Maury.  I told her a few months ago, before she went psycho, that I would go, but there is no way in hell I'm going now. I just can't take it anymore.   

My Latest Happenings.

Nothing exceptionally exciting on the home front.  

I decided last week to look into getting my real estate license.  I want to do the online/correspondence courses, but seeing as how they range from $399.00-$700.00, I am not so sure.  I think I can take the classes in the classroom for free, but the hours are 9-6 and it's an 8 session course.  Maury told me to ask my parents for the money and offer to pay them back when I sell my first house.  Who knows what I'll do.  

Meanwhile, I am looking for and collecting information on my four schools of choice to get my BSN.  I had planned on applying to two schools here and two schools in Texas, however, I found out tonight that one of my schools of choice here doesn't offer a BSN.  They only offer an AAS (Associate of Applied Science) and RN to BSN.  Needless to say I am a little annoyed.  You think you have everything planned out and then you get thrown a curve ball.  Oh well.  I will still be applying to the three remaining schools, that is if I don't get into the nursing program I am on the wait list for.  We will see! 

Right now I am loving this house.  Except for the new neighbors I have acquired. He hasn't been a bother until tonight when I stepped on him.  Yep, that's right, stepped on him.  He's a huge, light green toad.  He used to live on my front porch but has recently relocated to the back porch.  His buddy, the dark green toad, got run over in the driveway.  I was on my way out to turn off the sprinkler and I stepped on something squishy and bouncy and I turned around and there he was.  Of course I screamed really loud and he hopped away, but I had a moment of tears because I thought I hurt or killed him.  He's still hanging out back there and will more than likely be gone in the morning.  I would give him a peace offering, but I unfortunately don't have any flies.  Oh well.  :) 

The REAL Real World.

Two posts in one day... I know right? It's Epic. 

So I watched one of my guilty pleasures tonight, The Real World.  Maury and I have a secret obsession with MTV reality shows.  We were mildly devastated that Lauren left The Hills. But whatever. 

So this season promises to be pretty intense.  It's only the third episode and there has already been a major fight.  This season is staged in Cancun, so there is much partying and drunkenness, as to be expected.  Tonight's episode was centered around the roommates getting their "jobs." They are working for a company that provides chaperones while the youngsters come to party for Spring Break.  Their boss informs them that while they are here, they are representing the company and there is to be no intoxication or table dancing, whatsoever.  Personally, this is reasonable to me, but one of the chicks freaks out about not being able to "have any fun" while she is in Cancun. Her words are "If I want to get sh*t-faced and dance on a table while I am here, I should be able to." Wow.  What class this girl exudes.    

Meanwhile, another girl, who happens to have a boyfriend who she claims she loves and talks to every night on he phone, is spooning every second of the day with her much attractive roommate.  In several scenes they are groping each other on the dance floor and he leans in to kiss her on the cheek and she scolds him.  "Stop it! Don't go there!" She says.  I am like "Seriously???"  He wouldn't be going there if you weren't rubbing yourself all over him! Girls amaze me.  They expect to be able to blur the lines of intimacy and men will still be able to follow.  She is allowed to tease him but he can't act upon it without being shot down.  It's so bizarre.  

 In another scene, one of the guys gets angry at one of the girls, for a really ridiculous reason, so ridiculous I can't even remember what it is, and spits in her food.  They are actually in line at a taco stand in he goes up and sits next to her and waits for 5 minutes just so he can grab her bag of tacos and spit in it.  REALLY?!

Where does MTV get these people?  They are so disrespectful and arrogant.  I can't understand why someone would want to live their life that way.  Complete and utter rudeness.  I guess I will never get it.  I am really glad I was raised to know different and to act like a lady.  If my mama saw me on national television rubbing all over some guy I just met and dancing on tables drunk, you better believe I would have a job in the drive through window at Taco Bell waiting on me when I got home.  

Getting Geared Up!

I am so ready to do the 3-day!  Ok, physically I am nowhere near ready, but mentally I am SO EXCITED.  Maury and I went on a 4 mile hike last weekend and it felt like a mini day on the 3-day. The 3-day is a 60 mile walk.  It's 20 miles a day of nothing but walking.  There are pit stops where you can fill up your camel back (The pink backpack thing I am wearing in the picture that holds water) grab some food and be on your way.  Then there's lunch.  I am pretty sure last year I ate two whole sack lunches.  Each one contained a chicken sandwich, chips, an apple and two cookies.  It's ridiculous how much you are burning off while walking.  I ate and drank all day long.  This year I am wearing my pedometer to count the calories I am burning.  

My favorite part are the cheer stations.  Hundreds of people line up at designated spots to  cheer on all the walkers.  They give us snacks (again I am always thrilled about food) stickers and other fun little things to remember our experience by.  Last year a whole elementary school lined up to high five us.  It was one of the best parts of the day.  

At the end of the day you go back to camp.  There are probably 500 or more pink tents set up for everyone.  There are trailers to take showers in and tons of porta potties.  They have other tents for food, chiropractic and medical care, foot massages, and other sponsored tents.  I won't be showering in the trailers this year.  Luckily, Maury's mom will be picking up the girls and taking us back to her house to shower.  Last year it got down to freezing temps at night and I froze to death going to bed with wet hair.  So this year I will be blow drying and sleeping soundly.  

This event is probably the single most exciting thing I am looking forward to this year.  It's such an experience and I am so excited that my mom and Maury are doing it.  Maury had signed up last year and at the last minute got called on a business trip and couldn't do it.  Hopefully this year there will be no interruptions!

What A Weekend..

I promised myself I would never write about trivial things that happen in my life.  Even though a blog is supposed to be a window into someone else's world, I prefer to keep that view limited. So in a few words or less I will describe my weekend.  

My sister's ex boyfriend's dad committed suicide Thursday night.  I've never felt such heartache for one family in my life.  They have no money and no way of providing a proper memorial service.  They are wanting to move out of the house and have no money to do so either.  My mom set up a trust fund this morning for people in the community to donate funds.  I can only pray God's hand will be upon them while they make their way through this terrible tragedy.

I grew up being taught that people who commit suicide don't go to heaven.  It makes me really wonder now if that's true.  I honestly don't think that someone who commits suicide is in their right mind when it happens.  I wonder if God forgives and welcomes them with open arms in heaven.  I wonder if he holds them and tells them it's okay and that nothing bad can ever happen to them again.  But then again I wonder if he chooses to have no mercy.  Living your life is all about the choices you make and the consequences that follow them.  Is suicide someone's way of getting out of the consequences given to them?  I don't know.  All I know is that I am glad it's not my job to judge.  

Towards the end of the weekend Maury and I had a huge fight.  It was the worst fight in the history of our relationship.  Needless to say it got really ugly.  It ended with me packing my things and leaving to stay with my mom at her hotel.  The next day he asked to meet me before I left.  We had a long conversation about expectations and our relationship.  Lots of tears, hugs and kisses later I am happy to say we are going to make it.  It marked a huge crossroad in our relationship.  A lot of changes are coming. Changes for the better.  I know it sounds awful, but I am really glad it happened.   I believe it was all apart of the plan.  There had been too much tension built up from certain issues in our relationship, and to feel like they are finally getting solved is a huge relief.  I love him with all of my heart and soul and it is so refreshing and wonderful to know he feels the same way.  

God works in really strange ways.  He takes the ugliest of situations and turns them into beautiful lessons learned.  Maury and I went out to the lake to hike and swim the morning after our fight.  It was so relaxing to be with him with no distractions, just the two of us.  We walked and talked and swam and had so much fun.  Knowing we can make it through anything makes me confident in us.  I am so looking forward to the rest of my life with him. 

Idle Time

The verdict is in....  I'm off work for the next two weeks.  I know it's sad, but I am kind of excited.  There are so many things I want to get done around the new house.  I'm also looking forward to a four day weekend in Texas with Maury :)

Even though I am excited about my idle time, I am a little nervous.  I tend to be a worrier when I have a lot of nothing to do.  It's my weakness.  I am a huge over thinker, and I can sit for hours and obsess about what I think are problems in my life.  So, I am going to take these next two weeks and get angry.  I am going to battle my weakness, head on.  I think God may have given me this time to combat it and make it stop.  This is a growing period!  

Today, I am plagued with a sore throat and slight head cold.  It baffles me at how I can get these little bugs at the most ridiculous times.  I never get the flu when everyone else does, you know, during normal flu season.  I'll get it in August or something completely stupid.  So right now that's what I am dealing with.  We'll see how it plays out.  

Hi Ho Hi Ho

It's off to work I go..... or so I thought.  

I got sent home today.  I hurt my back last week.  I've had scoliosis since I was a kid and just recently it started acting up again.  So, I went to the doc and found out my lumbar spine is curved 10 degrees to the left, causing my hips to be uneven and a pinched sciatic nerve.  Super. 

I get a note from the doctor to do absolutely no heavy lifting.  Nothing over 10 lbs.  I take the note to my manager today and she flips out.  Acts like it's my fault that my back is hurt.  She sends me off to Employee Health to see if I can get clearance, but first I have to do vitals.  Well, by the time I am done and  make it over to EH, they are closed.  Meanwhile,  She is running around frantic to find someone to work for me, which is the real reason why she was upset.  I was the only aid tonight and am the only aid Wed. and Thurs.  so that means she has to cover those three shifts in case Employee Health won't let me work.  So another one of the aids came in and I was sent home.  I am going to EH tomorrow morning so we will see what happens.  

I asked her if I could do light work and still stay on the floor and she said no.  She has to have an aid that can lift, which is ridiculous.  I work in pediatrics.  I NEVER lift patients, with the exception of moving them up in bed.  Now why can't the nurses move them up in bed for a few weeks while I am recovering? The majority of my job consists of things that do not require lifting or moving, so needless to say I was very annoyed.  She said they were going to stick me on another floor to file.  Whatever.  That's fine.  I'll deal with it. 

Right now I am watching the train wreck that is Jon and Kate plus 8 unfold on television.  My heart aches for them.  I loved them as a couple.  Her book was so fantastic and so uplifting, however somehow I feel like it was all a lie.  I hate that they can't get it together.  I am more disappointed in Jon and his childish actions and behavior.  He actually had the nerve to say he was "excited" about the future.  I can understand his resentment towards her.  She was pretty harsh to him on the show numerous times, but no one deserves that.  And for him to cheat openly to the public? What a fool.  Does he not understand his kids will be seeing that and asking questions?  Not to mention the ridicule they will receive at school.  He blows my mind.  And to pull the "I'm only 32" card?  So sad.  You should have thought about that before you got married at 22, sir.  That's the life you have been given and you can't take it back.  Such an unfortunate turn of events.  I almost don't even want to see the show anymore.  I was hoping they would quit the show to work on the marriage.  They both kept saying they were there "for the kids."  How do you think your kids got here?  There had to be a loving marriage relationship in order to bring children into the works.  If it weren't for the marriage there would have been no kids.  That's where I think people screw up.  They put their children above their spouse and that, in my opinion, is wrong.  Oh well,  I'll be praying for them and their family. 

Floating.

The one word every nurse and/or nurse aid dreads hearing.  Last night was my night and I was thrown to the wolves needless to say...

I got to work right at 2:30.  We had been low on patients since Friday and were floating the day aids.  Monday night however, we only had 8 pts, not enough to keep 2 aids, but they did.  So I show up to work last night and they have decided to float me.  I was supposed to be going to sit, which means basically hanging out in a pt room because they are not to be alone.  Well, they didn't end up needing me after all, so I went to 14w which is oncology/hospice.  After my first 4 hours there I was to be floated to 10w, ortho.  10w is the worst floor in the hospital.  we had 30 pts, 5 nurses and only 3 aids. 

 14 wasn't so bad except one of my pts was incontinent and I had to change her bedding 3 times. 10w wasn't so bad either, it's just that going from working in peds to working with the elderly, combative, incontinent and immobile, is really difficult.  Not to mention we don't do half of what they do up on those floors on a daily basis.  

So I hadn't eaten all shift and finally told them I was taking my "lunch" at around 7:30.  I went down to my home floor and found out that they had 10 pts that night.  I was so pissed off.  Why wouldn't they float when we had 8 but they will when we have 10?  It makes no sense.  They said it was because PICU needed us that night, but they had 5 nurses.  Oh well.  I'll chalk it up as good experience.  It just makes me thankful that I work on an easy floor and have good work relationships with the others.   

Now as for tonight, that could be a whole other story. 

Home Sweet Home.

I am now sitting in my brand new home :)

Today was the big move.  I got up at 6:30, after having pretty much zero sleep last night.  I finished packing up the bathroom and other odds and ends and waited for my mom.  She brought over Panera and then the movers showed up. 

I was really anxious about the move, especially trusting someone to move my stuff for me.  I am a complete perfectionist and a control freak.  Last time I moved the movers didn't wrap up any of my furniture.  My couch and chair were filthy and everything was scratched to hell.  They had placed something on my brand new desk in the truck and scratched it all up.  Then they couldn't get the bed apart (because the movers before them stripped all the screws) so they had to try and move the bed with the head board, foot board and frame attached, therefore scratching the bed all up.  What's worse is they didn't tell me and tried to cover it all up by coloring in the scratches with sharpie.  Needless to say I was pissed.  

This time was much different.  They wrapped every piece of furniture and were super careful with all my stuff.  I was very pleased.  They did an awesome job!  We unpacked, got my new fridge, had the cable set up and the alarm system installed.  Everything went really well! 

I am missing Maury very much.  We haven't been apart this long in over a year.  It will be 3 weeks next weekend, when I finally get to see him.  I am very excited :)

Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty.

My calorie counting has been going well.  I got a new app on my phone called "Lose It." It's fab.  You enter in your foods for the day and your exercises and it tells you how many more or less calories you can have to meet your weight goal.  My only issue has been finding out how many calories many of my favorite foods have.  I have bee craving Wendy's new Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty for three days.  I looked it up online and it is 540 calories, a little less than half my daily allowance, so I have proudly steered clear.  

All of this counting lately has reminded me of the irrational lifestyle I lived while competing.  I hated my life.  I hated dieting, cutting out carbs and dairy, only having salads and nothing substantial.  No desserts ever and I hated every second of it.  But the ironic thing is I love how I looked.  I was super skinny and looked smokin hot in my swimsuit.  My good friend and I were discussing this at the pageant last saturday night.  How good we used to look and feel about ourselves.  It makes me wonder why we place such unrealistic standards on ourselves just to look good?  No one looks like that year round, obviously, or we wouldn't have to work so hard to get there.  It's kind of ridiculous if you think about it. 

With all that said, I have had some stress about competing again.  Whether or not I really want to.  I know I want to be Miss State and all that it entails, but I feel like getting there is the tough part.  I am not killing myself this year with unrealistic goals.  I worked my ass off the last two years to win the Community Service Award and didn't even become a finalist.  I put in hundreds of hours and nothing.  I'm not doing it again.  I am going to relax and enjoy this process, like I believe it is supposed to be enjoyed.  

The Breast Is Yet To Come cont...

So I will not be doing the breast casting after all.  After I found out they were wanting to include my name and previous local title along with it, I decided it was a no go.  I thought the casts were going to be anonymous, and then sold strictly as art, not including the names and such.  I just have a hard time knowing someone will purchase my boobs and place them on their mantle.  If they didn't know that they were mine, maybe it would be different.  Plus, since I have decided to compete again for Miss State, I can see some negative backlash coming my way if I were to ever win...

"Miss America Auctions Off Exact Replica of Her Boobs!"  the headlines will read.  I prefer to keep my dignity for now.  Maybe I'll do it in 10 years. 

I am in my prime at the moment.  I am packing my things for the big move.  I am so excited to be in my new house, but so not excited to pack.  Could I just have a mini estate sale, and use the proceeds to buy new house things please?  If only. 

The Breast Is Yet To Come.

I got an e-mail recently from and old friend suggesting I link up with a woman from a non-profitable organization here in my home town.  She was looking for local celebrities to be "cast" for their Breast Cancer Awareness gala in October.  I said I would love to be a part of it and quickly agreed to be "cast." 

Now, coming from a theatrical background, "casting" to me is to be included on a roster of appearances.  I figured I would be singing, speaking, or just being apart of the night with the others, making an appearance.  

Boy was I wrong....  I got an e-mail today from the woman in charge and she was giving me the low down on the "casting." She explained that we would need to be doing it within the next two weeks and I would need to wear sweats because the plaster an be very messy.  PLASTER?? WHAT PLASTER??

If you haven't guessed it by now, they will be making a plaster cast of my breasts, which I will decorate and they will auction off for money.  I was a little shocked at first, thinking "What the heck have I gotten myself into??" But, now I am excited.  It's a different approach, but it's for a good cause.  Maury is thrilled non the less.  We'll see how it goes.  

Here we go again.

Last night was a really good time. I had a lot of fun and it was really good to see old friends from the pageant world. They crowned a wonderful, smart, talented and beautiful winner last night and I know she will make us all proud at Miss America in January. I'm excited to go to Vegas this year!

So the question on everyone's lips last night was "Are you coming back next year?"

The answer is.....yes. And for those of you who know my true identity, please do not tell anyone. I do not want anyone to know. I have already been bombarded with phone calls and e-mails, inviting me to compete at the locals.

I am really excited about giving it one more shot. It became very clear to me that my desire still existed to become Miss State. I love this organization so much and everything it stands for. It's still the dream and I am willing to risk humilty to try one more time. I know after this go around I will be able to walk away feeling complete. That I gave it everything I could.

This year is going to be different. I am doing things my way and I am going to be myself. I'm doing what I think is best and not what everyone thinks will win, because we all know that what one thinks will win a pageant isn't always true.

There are only a few words very near and dear to my heart to describe how I feel at the moment....

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

To write the unrightable wrong

To love pure and chaste from afar

To try, when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest, to follow that star

No matter how hopeless, no matter how far

To fight for the right without question or pause

To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest

That my heart will be peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this

That one man scorned and covered with scars

Still strove with his last ounce of courage

To reach, the unreachble, star.

I'm A Barbie Girl

I need to de-stress major.  I am so nervous about tonight.  I feel like I have to prove I've still got it.  I was talking to Maury on the phone last night and he asked what I was up to.  I said "Getting ready to put on self tanner."  He then gave me the most profound advice I think he's ever given  me.  He told me to show up as me, not who I think they want me to be.  I told him I wanted to look good and he said I looked great exactly the way that I am.  Awwwwww, I know right?

Maybe that's just it. Maybe I am still too obsessed with what they all are thinking.  I was planning on plastering on the stage makeup, the false eyelashes, and the self tanner, but for what?  To prove myself, or so I thought.  Why do I feel the need to continually prove something to these people?  I honestly think the real issue lies within myself.  I'm not good enough for me, not them.  

I've had this complex all my life and quite honestly I am ready to get over it.  I am sick of trying to please everyone, in what I think is a quest for perfection.  The right hair, body, makeup, attitude etc.  It's getting so old. 

So tonight I'm going as me.  Not Miss Perfect Awesome Pageant Girl.  If they don't like it....tough. 

Oh What A Night.

Tonight was a night, let me tell you.  

I had a good day.  Got up early and did some pilates :) Then headed off to my hair appointment.  I finished a little early, grabbed a quick lunch and went to work.  I showed up about 30 minutes early and it was a mad house.  Admits and discharges everywhere.  They told me "No one works for free around here, clock in and help." So I did.  

It was super crazy for the the first few hours.  We had a young boy on our floor who's mother was a witch.  Yep, that's right, a witch.  She wore a cape and the whole bit.  Long black hair, tons of gaudy jewelry etc.  She smokes like a freight train too.  Best of all she asked if she could bring up her "witch box" to hurry along her son's healing process.  "I really need to get some herbs and candles in this room" She claimed.  He had been there for about 4-5 days I think.  So today she started her "chants."  Did them for two hours.  They were quickly discharged after that.   She claims that wicca saved her son and got them out of there.  If she hadn't done the chants, they would still be there.  

Is this woman for real?  I am open to diversity among spirituality and religious beliefs but come on.  I can read people really well, and this woman is screaming for attention.  And the worst part of it is, is that she is raising a child amongst this garbage.  My heart aches for him.  He came to the nurses station and I asked him what he needed and he told me "I want out of this damn hospital."  He's 10.  What kind of 10 year old is allowed to speak to adults that way?  If I had said that to a nurse, my dad would have taken me out alright.  Out back for a beating.  

I can't help but feel sorry for people like this.  There is so much better out there for them.   A life that God created for them to live.  It blows my mind.  I am thankful I was raised the way I was.  Sure, my parents did some things that I don't agree with now, but nothing compared to that.  I just hope and pray that I can show God's love to everyone that comes across my path. 

I feel disgusted with myself right now.  There are many things about myself I wish I could change, but the one that NEEDS to change is laziness.  I am a complete couch potato and I hate it. I have no motivation to do anything that I am not required to do.  

Today was my day off this week and I did a few productive things, but definitely not enough.  My new furniture was delivered to the house.  In the end, I was missing three pieces but I quickly worked it out with the furniture company and will be receiving them end of this month.  Then I took a few things back to the mall, found a stunning little black dress to wear Saturday night among other items and painted my toenails.  

All of this sounds like a lot, but I feel like it is nothing.  I sat for a good 5 hours in front of the TV today.  Well, about three of those were spent in my bed watching a movie on my computer trying to fight off a headache.  But still....

This lifestyle just isn't acceptable to me anymore.  I needed to work out today and didn't,  I need to clean my house, get boxes for the big move, do laundry etc.  Why can't I get motivated to do these things?  I wish I were more like my mother.  She gets stuff done.  She is an excellent To Do lister and I above all wish I would have adopted that trait.  It bugs me to death knowing I spent that much time just sitting.  

So with all that said, I am making a change.  some say it takes 21 days to break a bad habit and tomorrow is number 1.  I am getting up when my body tells me to in the morning.  I wake up everyday at 7:50, on the dot. But, somehow I manage to fall back asleep until 9 or 10 and then I feel tired and sluggish all day.  So, tomorrow is the day.  I need you all (I write like a million people read this) to keep me accountable.  Here I come To Do world. 

To Dream The Impossible Dream.

I never expected this week to be this difficult.  

My dream, ever since I was a small child, was to be Miss America.  I competed in my home state for three years.  I was first runner up.....twice.  Two years in a row.  

This week is competition week, and I'm not competing.  I decided to take a year off, get to know myself, and focus on school and my job.  Oh how this year has flown by.  

When I decided not to compete, I was done.  Done with pageants. Done with the drama, the diets, the dresses etc.  I worked three long hard years of my life and I have many things to show for it.  A completely paid for college education, social skills, connections and friends and memories to last a lifetime.  However, it somehow doesn't feel complete.  It doesn't feel over, and I thought for some reason it would.  

I have been very nostalgic the last few days.  I sincerely miss it.  I miss the adrenaline rush.  I miss competing.  I miss the people.  I miss the feeling after an outstanding interview and talent performance.  

I don't know what is in store for my future.  I hate this limbo that I feel stuck in.  I feel like there are 100 reasons why I should give it one more shot, and 100 reasons why I shouldn't.  

I need a sign. An intervention from God.  I'm going to the finals on Saturday night with a very dear friend, whom I actually met through the competition.  I'm excited, but at the same time, thinking about sitting on the other side of the curtain makes my stomach turn.  I am so jealous that I am not on that stage working all I've got to prove to 7 people in three days that I am worthy of the crown.  I have several very good friends still competing.  I wish them all the best, but for some weird reason....I wish I could trade places with them. 

It's so hard to work out.  I absolutely loathe it.  I found a rockin "Slim in 7 Days" work out in fitness magazine last week and decided to try it yesterday.  That was the first and last time I will ever do it.  

I don't know how I did it, 5 days a week, when I competed.  I get so cranky and end up leaving in a horrible mood after a work out.  I wish I could find a routine that I really love.  I love yoga and pilates but studio prices are outrageous.  I am not paying $55.00 per session.  I might as well go back to personal training.   

All this was brought about after seeing my old swimsuit self from competition videos.  I'm not tooting my own horn, but I looked good and I miss that.  I also miss the strength and agility I used to have.  I couldn't even do a regular push up the other day.  I almost tore my arm off.  How sad is that?! 

So now I am on the search for a good work out regimen.  Here's to hoping I find what I'm looking for. 

Dolla Dolla Bills Ya'll!

I feel like I am doing everything I can to advertise my online store and nothing is working.  I am advertising on facebook, google and I have sent out numerous e-mails and nothing.  I have had tons of visits to the site and tons of comments.  What's the deal?

My store is on zazzle. com.  It's a line of breast cancer awareness products that I designed myself.  They are cute and fun and I have had tons of complements on them, it's just that complements don't earn money if you know what I mean :)

I guess though, if I really think about it, I never wore a breast cancer awareness t-shirt or anything of the sort until my mom was diagnosed over a year ago.  Now I look for any way that I can to show support.  

That realization makes me sad.  Why do we have to wait until we are personally effected by something to be aware of and support the cause?  Maybe I will stop being so selfish and give 10% to Susan G. Komen.  That way my products will be a benefit to someone else and not just me. 

That, to me, sounds like a great idea. 

Running On E.

I close on my brand new house tomorrow.  Too bad I'm not the least bit excited as I used to be.  

Ok, yes deep down I am thrilled.  I am ready to be a homeowner.  I can't wait to have SPACE!!  But I feel like so many shady things have happened since we decided to buy the house.  Things are so tense with my parents and I.  Money is the root of the issue.  All I have heard about is how much this house is costing them.  I'm sorry, but they knew what all it as going to take to get this house, and if it was too much and they were going to complain, then why are we doing this?!  

I was so thrilled yesterday when I opened a random letter from the IRS to find they are re-doing my rebate and I am getting more than I expected!  So I call my mom in excitement to tell her and she says, "Wonderful! You can buy a few new things for your house!"  Then we go to a Memorial Day cookout at my grandparents and all that changes.  They now want to tell me how much things are costing them and that they are offended I didn't offer my rebate to help pay.  It's such a two faced situation.  Then I offer them the rebate and they say, "No that's okay, you keep it. " What the hell?  

All I know is I'm not playing this game with them.  I feel like they offer me the world only to hang it over my head.  I work really, really hard.  I payed for my entire college education to date with scholarship money and I have 16,000 left over for nursing school.  I feel like that NEVER gets taken into account.  I am working full time at the hospital and taking on extra shifts on the weekends to earn extra money.  I also have another side business working right now, selling a line of breast cancer awareness t-shirts and other products on zazzle.com, to earn extra money.  But still, they call me ungrateful and say that I "don't know how good I have it." They don't call they're expressions of costs to me "complaining" they call it "making me aware."  What purpose does that serve? None.  It makes for a really great argument though.  Congratulations. 

So I'm officially on the strictest budget of my life.  I am saving my money and getting the heck out of dodge, so to speak.  I really don't want this to cause a rift between them and I.  I love them and I want their support, but I refuse to live like this.  I will pray for peace and resolve for the situation.    

Let Me Know If You Need Me.

Famous last words, right?  I say this to every single patient I have when I leave the room after 4:00 p.m vitals.  I would soon regret that.

Last night was the night from hell.  Let me start from the beginning....

Friday afternoon was pretty rough as well, but not as bad because I had some help.  Last night I was alone.  Anyway, Friday shouldn't have been so bad because we only had 9 patients on the floor but we had 3 surgeries, 2 discharges and 3 admits, all at the same time.  I literally ran my rear end off, but all was well, again, because I had help.  One of the patients we got on Friday was a young woman, 11 weeks pregnant and had just had surgery for bowel obstruction and adhesions.   Not a big deal except that she was a thorn in my side all freaking evening.  She called out every hour on the hour for pain medication along with benadryl because the pain meds made her itch.  Now people will say, "What's the harm in that?" 

The harm is that you can't give pain meds and benadryl every hour.  Along with the fact that she was 11 weeks pregnant, it's bad enough she actually wanted the meds that often.  That much pain medication can do severe damage to the fetus.  On top of all of that, she would literally whine into the phone, making it extremely difficult to hear her.  It was just ridiculous.  She should have been on the L&D floor to be monitored, not on our pediatrics unit.  We get a lot of women's health on our floor because we do such a good job taking care of our patients.  We're notorious, in a good way, and we like it :)

So in the end, I kind of feel sorry for her.  Her husband came up only once, and stayed for an hour before falling asleep and going home.  When my mother had her mastectomy, my dad didn't leave her side.  Maybe she called out so much out of loneliness.  Who knows.  All I know is I got through it, and I'm off today.  

I wish the sun would come out. 

Training Day

I have to start training for the 3-day this week.  I am getting really excited.  It's going to be such a good time.  

Last year was so much fun except for the second day.  I couldn't move my legs, much less walk the second day, so I sat out.  I am not doing that this year.  I am going all the way, thus the reason for my training.  I trained a little last year.  I think the most I walked in a day was like 4-5 miles.  Definitely not enough, compared to the 20 that you have to walk each day during the actual event.  Plus I was a moron and didn't break in my new tennis shoes before hand.  The first day I wore them was the first day of the walk.  Smart move. I had blisters on the bottom of every single one of my toes. 

So Tuesday morning, it begins.  This year is going to rock!

Time Out

I have this friend, she's super cool and we get along great.  We are a lot alike, except in one aspect....

Lately she has relayed to me that she and her husband are wanting to start a family.  They believe that as a couple, they're relationship needs to be really strong before they have a baby, which I completely agree.  So she has told me recently that she has had to "give up" some friendships and cut back her hours at work in order for this to happen.  

That makes me sad for her.  I don't think having a child, or attempting to strengthen a relationship to have a child requires that kind of sacrifice.  

So lately she has been calling me and texting me non-stop.  I am a people person and very outgoing, but I cannot stand seeing too much of someone.  I am sorry, it wears me out.  Every time she wants to hang out it's like a marathon of friendliness.  She wants to meet for breakfast, work out, eat lunch and then lay out, for example.  

I used to be like this with one person and one person only, my best friend Nikki.  Nikki and I were inseparable in college.  We lived together and did everything together.  We were a package deal, you don't get one without the other.  I have never been like that with anyone else and I don't see it happening again.  I think I grew out of it, to be honest.  

I feel bad for feeling this way about my new friend, but I honestly feel like it's not healthy.  I think she's just plain bored with her life right now because of the other issues with having a baby.  I guess I just don't know how to relay to her that I am not a super hangy outie kind of person.  I like my space and my me time.  

Summer Sun

This weekend officially marks the beginning of summer, and I am so excited.  I am loving where I am in life right now.  I am glad I made the decisions I did .  I know I said I felt like I got screwed over by the rents with the house, but I really feel like it will all be okay.  I do hate living so far from Maury though.  I love and miss him terribly every day.  We will be together soon though.  I'm not worried. 

 Tonight at work was flippin crazy.  Two discharges, and three admits at the same time.  That makes for a lot of unhappy patients.  I feel and see the nursing shortage every single day.  I can't wait to be a nurse.  It's going to change my life and I am so ready for it.  

I got offered a position in the part time program at the community college where I got my associate degree.  It sounded promising until they told me it was every Thursday and Friday night and Saturday morning, year round with no breaks, for three years.  I was like, um, no thanks.  I am not giving up my Friday nights and Saturday mornings, every week, for three years. No way.  Plus, I could have my BSN in that same amount of time.  So the wait continues.

I am very interested in summer festivities.  I am laying out tomorrow with my mom and I can't wait.  I love a good book, some sunscreen and a pool.  There's nothing like it.