I never expected this week to be this difficult.
My dream, ever since I was a small child, was to be Miss America. I competed in my home state for three years. I was first runner up.....twice. Two years in a row.
This week is competition week, and I'm not competing. I decided to take a year off, get to know myself, and focus on school and my job. Oh how this year has flown by.
When I decided not to compete, I was done. Done with pageants. Done with the drama, the diets, the dresses etc. I worked three long hard years of my life and I have many things to show for it. A completely paid for college education, social skills, connections and friends and memories to last a lifetime. However, it somehow doesn't feel complete. It doesn't feel over, and I thought for some reason it would.
I have been very nostalgic the last few days. I sincerely miss it. I miss the adrenaline rush. I miss competing. I miss the people. I miss the feeling after an outstanding interview and talent performance.
I don't know what is in store for my future. I hate this limbo that I feel stuck in. I feel like there are 100 reasons why I should give it one more shot, and 100 reasons why I shouldn't.
I need a sign. An intervention from God. I'm going to the finals on Saturday night with a very dear friend, whom I actually met through the competition. I'm excited, but at the same time, thinking about sitting on the other side of the curtain makes my stomach turn. I am so jealous that I am not on that stage working all I've got to prove to 7 people in three days that I am worthy of the crown. I have several very good friends still competing. I wish them all the best, but for some weird reason....I wish I could trade places with them.
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