Happy Friggin Birthday to Me.

I guess I spoke a little too soon. This Saturday is my family outing to celebrate my 24 years on this Earth. Tonight my sister is coming home and bringing a friend. She moved away to go to college back in August and is coming home for Fall Break this weekend.

So the discussion about where to have my birthday dinner has begun. I was already informed that I could not pick an Italian restaurant because Leah hates Italian. Leah is my sister, by the way. Okay fine, I can do without some Italian food. I don't want her to whine and gripe all night about not being able to enjoy the dinner so I will take one for the team.

I choose a popular hibachi steakhouse here in town and I ask my mom to make reservations. I mention to my sister that we are eating there and I don't hear back from her. I get a call from my mother the next day and she asks me if the restaurant serves chicken. I say, well I am sure they do but it's Japanese style and my mother proceeds to tell me we might need to pick a new place because Leah's friend doesn't like Oriental food. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

This was all a few days ago, I believe Monday or Tuesday when I decided where I wanted to eat and I also told my mom I would like my favorite bakery to make me a small red velvet cake. Not much to ask right? Wrong.

I see my mom today (Thursday, the party is Saturday keep in mind) and I ask her if she made the reservations. She said she forgot and she forgot about the cake too. So she asks ME to do it. Asks me to call and make the reservations and order MY OWN birthday cake. Do you know how embarrassing it is to call someone and place an order for your own birthday cake? "Hi, my name is Emma, I'd like to order a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. And I need it to say, Happy Birthday Emma on it. Thanks."

So the dinner place isn't open (weird) and they can't take my reservation and the bakery doesn't have time to do red velvet, they only have time for strawberry. I am not five and this is not a my little pony party so I will not be having a friggin strawberry cake. Thanks though.

So here we are, Thursday afternoon, no place to eat and no cake. I get online and start searching the top 10 restaurants in my town. Two French restaurants come up and I view the menus. They're pretty fancy but they both have chicken on the menu so I should be safe, right? Wrong again. Mom and Dad said it's too fancy and I need to pick a place Leah and her friend will for sure like and then they'll just take me next week where I really want to go.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Let me remind you these are the parents who threw my sister a 20th birthday bash at the country club complete with a DJ and catering just this summer. And I don't even get to pick the place we are eating? Am I being a brat about this or do I have legitimate grounds for being upset/annoyed here?

So I spoke with my mother tonight and told her to just pick a place. It really doesn't matter to me anymore. They've taken all the excitement and fun out of it. We'll see what happens.

I never write anymore....

I don't know why. I feel like maybe I have nothing interesting enough going on in my life to actually record it here, but that is the furthest thing from the truth. I actually have a lot going on in my life so maybe for the sake of blogging, I will write about it all.

It's October, my favorite month of the year. It's breast cancer awareness month and I am an October baby. I will celebrating my 24th birthday next week. Maury and I will be having dinner this Saturday with my family and then next week I am flying to be with him and celebrate with our friends. It's going to be a better birthday than last year, I can say that much for sure :)


Once October is over, you know what that means. THE 3-DAY!!!!!!!! The most challenging and rewarding weekend of my life. Maury's sister and I, Meredith, will be going it alone this year. Normally we have her husband and Maury holding our hands the whole way, but this year they aren't able to make it. So maybe we will just hold each others hands, haha.


My relationship is better than ever and we are inching closer and closer to marriage every day. I am so excited. He told me a few weeks ago that he was going to work hard and start saving up to by me some new "hardware." I asked what that meant (I totally knew, I just wanted to hear him say it) and he squeezed my left ring finger. I got butterflies :)


Nursing school is going exceptionally well. I am officially a level 3 student and loving it. We just finished our Quality of Life rotation which was really hard. It was a lot of death and end of life care. I met a 40 year old woman with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She was such an inspiration to me. I cried the whole way home from meeting her. She was extraordinary and changed my life.


Now we are on to OB!!! I can't wait to deliver my first baby, I am so excited. I am sure there's nothing like it. What's even more exciting is that one of our clinical days is on my birthday, so the baby and I will share a birthday. That will be so special. I can't wait.


And to top it all off, I am writing a book. Yep, that's right, a real live book. Stay tuned for updates.


Happy Fall!!

Nothing Lasts Forever.

Why not? I understand that cars, computers, cell phones and even our bodies aren't made to last forever. But what about love? What about marriage and relationships? It's an incredibly cynical theory that plays a part in our society. When a fight is irreparable in a marriage and divorce is looming some often say, "Well I guess nothing lasts forever." It's like we need these words to comfort ourselves. They make it okay, and give us the ability to cope.

My friend Kate blogged about this subject here recently. It was kind of ironic because I was in the car this morning and and heard a song that said the very words, "nothing lasts forever." Then I see Kate's post and I too feel prompted to write on the subject.

Call me a hopeless romantic. an optimist or even stupid, but I think Maury and I will last forever. There's nothing like being certain that he and I will be sharing a room in the nursing home. We will be the crazy ones racing our wheelchairs up and down the hall at night and I can't wait. I have no problem in believing that we will last forever. There's no one I would rather be with and share my life with. He makes me laugh till it hurts and makes me a better person.

So I defy you, naysayers....and maybe even challenge you. Find your forever and hold onto it. Because forever can be for real.

"I Have Called You."

"It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn't call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace." - Francis Chan (The Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit.)

This was my old youth pastor's status on facebook a few days ago. We all know how I feel about "Jesus status updates." but this one really caught my eye, and quite frankly irked me, as most "Jesus updates" do.

Don Miller blogged a while back about the will of God. How oftentimes Christians feel there is this superior plan for everything that happens in your life, and good or bad, it all serves a purpose. I don't believe that way, and I am confident that it's not really the definition of God's will for us. Don described God's will like a blank sheet of paper. He gives us a box of crayons (I'm the 64 color kind I am certain) and says, "Dream, draw out your life and then live it." I don't think he has everything planned, because then what would be the point in the joy of seeing us choose him and his ways on a daily basis? Then people ask, "Well, you say choosing his ways, doesn't that essentially mean that he already has the way and you have to figure it out?" No, I say. His ways mean, giving grace, showing humility, choosing your words wisely and encouraging others. His ways are the fruits of the spirit, not some perfectly mapped out, narrow road to righteousness.

So when I read this quote I was appalled. I do believe that God orchestrates certain relationships and situations to help you along in life. My relationship with Maury and the beach girl are two perfect examples. So why when I find myself in a certain phase of my life am I not allowed to enjoy it?

Why do evangelical religious groups believe that we have to hate where we are in life and we are not allowed to be comfortable there? It's like we always have to be looking for the nonexistent deeper meaning to our situation and be alert for the next "calling" and quickly move there. I feel like we are missing the point. God calls you to certain phases so you can grow. The bible also calls us to be joyous and content in every circumstance. (Philippians 4:11-13) and 1 Thessalonians 5:11-18) If you are always looking for your next phase you are missing what God has intended for you in the present.

I also firmly believe that God wants us to be happy. (Gasp! I said it) He wants you to enjoy where he has placed you. Sure there will be hard times and in those hard times it's perfectly fine to be disgruntled with life and it's obstacles. But, you must know that you will come out the other side and find many lessons learned. I just feel like the church where I came from wants you to fear the Lord and his iron hand so much, that you will never be able to embrace life and actually live it. I mean, I would God call you to a place where you aren't happy? I guess you could be uncomfortable for a short period of time, but that's the growing part. You will know when you need to move on to something else when you are certain you are done growing and have given all to your situation that you can.

And as for superficial peace, I am sorry sir, but there is no such thing. Sounds to me like a personal issue. Maybe you should sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

For It Is Written...

I used to journal a lot. And by a lot I mean every day. I think my first journal started back in the sixth grade. I didn't want it to be a "diary," because a diary was so juvenile. So I called it journaling. "Dear Journal...." I would write at the top of the page in every entry. Like that was his name....journal.

I would mostly write about boys and friends. Who I liked at the moment and what girls were mean to me and so on. It was so juvenile, but those were my concerns at that age. Who was going to ask me to the prom and how much I despised my parents for not letting me stay out late to see a movie.

My last journal entry was almost two years ago. I stopped journaling, stopped writing my thoughts and feelings. I had anxiety. Really bad anxiety and I never wrote about good times. I always complained. This isn't going my way.. God help me with this and that and him or her. I tried to cover it up with pretty words and make it look like thanksgiving and gratitude but in all reality I was never thankful, I was worried.

I went back and read many of my entries this evening and I was caught feeling some of those same feelings. Worry, doubt, anxiety, confusion, discouragement. My journal was supposed to help me look back on my fond memories of who I was and my life at the time. When I look back at what I have written I want to cry. It makes me feel like I have made no progress, but I have. Leaps and bounds.

I have a grown up journal now. It's this blog. I am afraid that one day I will look back and be disappointed in what I have written. That I will have complained and not taken the time to relish in my moments of utter happiness. I want to remember my God moments, the times when Maury and I fall in love all over again. I don't want them to be faint wisps of air in my memory. I want my journal to look back upon for encouragement. Not of bingeing and purging.

So here's to the God moments and happiness so thick that it lays heavy upon my soul as I sleep.

Disgruntling Disgruntles.

Impatience

I was just watching television and a commercial came on for Crest 3-D whitening kit. They promise noticeably whiter teeth in one day. ONE DAY. The woman needing white teeth has a photo shoot the next day and of course, wants to look her best. But what ever happened to planning this out? How long has your photo shoot been on the books lady? This really is petty compared to other things but honestly, it just irks me.

The hCG diet.

We are so obsessed with weight loss in this culture that we have stooped to shooting ourselves up with pregnancy hormones, while all the while maintaining a 500 calorie a day diet. This is the daddy here. Studies have shown that men who have testicular cancer have elevated levels of the hormone hCG in their urine. It's just NOT SAFE, but you'll sure as hell see results. You'll probably drop 50 pounds in 4 weeks, but you'll gain ALL OF IT BACK IN TWO. Enough said.

Anti-Oxidant EVERYTHING.

We have found out that pomegranates, blueberries, raspberries and the like do amazing things for us and our health. They replenish the skin and fight off disease. But how effective is a pomegranate if it's in your shaving cream? I mean, honestly. I just have to laugh at how we now think that just because pomegranate is good for us, we need it to be in everything we consume or use on a daily basis. From febreeze to mani/pedi treatments, it's literally everywhere. I'm sorry, but your pomegranate body scrub won't do anything for you but smell good and after a while even that wears off.

Being "PC"

Recently in my life, I was screwed out of a fabulous job opportunity. I will surely get over it and have had an outpouring of support and love from friends and family. But what really irks me the most is when I received a phone call from a very dear friend telling me that I really just need to take it all in, be PC and be graceful about it. Don't talk or share my feelings in order for the company to keep its good name a reputation. Funny, because along with being jilted in a sense, my reputation was trashed to hell and back for four years prior to this opportunity. I chose to rise above it, because I am in fact better than this person who attacks me, and I kept quiet. I felt like I was taking the high road by not speaking out. Now that I look back, I wasn't. I was letting people walk all over me and I was never able to stand up for myself because of fear that the "company" would get upset and it would ruin my chances for the job. I think this happens to women my age every single day. For fear of being called a bad name and it forever tarnishing your reputation, you keep quiet. Well not anymore. I have played by the rules for four years and it got me nowhere. I wasn't ever offered a leg up because I was the meek and mild one. I am staying true to me and standing up for myself from now on.

So Long, Farewell.

I feel sad when I end a good book. It's like losing a friend. You spend many nights together, days by the pool and afternoons on the couch. Sometimes it even tags along on long days when you have small breaks to spend in the car because you can't go all the way home and then get back out.

I just finished reading "Jack and Jackie." A fabulous read that I found buried in the back corner of a clearance table at Half Price Books. It was three dollars, and quite frankly the best three dollars I have ever spent. In all actuality, now that I am thinking back, Maury bought it for me, but whatever.

I don't think one could understand my love affair with the Kennedy's. I am obsessed with them. If I could have lunch with anyone in the entire world it would be Jackie. I almost wish I would have lived back then just to be able to hear her speak.

Their lives were haunted by infidelity and scandal, but they never once showed their emotions on the outside. They were loved by many and envied by all I am certain. I was amazed at his work ethic. His body was ravaged by Addison's disease, but you would never know it talking to him. He never once complained of his illness and always had a carefree attitude. Jackie was a spitfire. She was someone who, when you had a conversation with her, you felt as though you were the only person in the room. She displayed grace, confidence and poise effortlessly. I want to be just like her.

They remind me a lot of Maury and I, minus the hideous infidelity. He was so laid back and she was uptight and conservative, hated politics but fit right in when it came down to it. He was smart, handsome and ambitious. He knew what he wanted out of life and knew exactly how to get it.

I was such a fabulous book, I could read it over and over again. I wonder what my next read will be....

Facebook or Fakebook?

My thoughts on Christian life are confirmed daily on facebook.

I wonder, if Jesus had a facebook, what would it look like? Would there be a daily parable or bible verse? Probably not a verse because the majority of the Bible was written after he was long gone. Would it be full of insightful Jesusisms? Would he take prayer requests to take to the father? Who would he be friends with? what would his interests be? Would his profile be public or private?

These are things I think about everyday when I am bombarded with what I like to call "Jesus status updates." people who write bible verses in their status everyday, or who proclaim their love for the Lord and his good works in every available space on their profile. You know, the bible is their favorite book, all they listen too is praise and worship music and their home church is the only page they're a fan of.

I am in no way meaning to minimize these things, however I feel like Jesus meant to do so much more in his days on earth. I don't believe in boisterous religion or faith. I feel like it's such a sacred part of life. Yes, I do believe in sharing the faith with others but I don't think every breath you breathe should be laced with your beliefs.

I have found it to be so much more effective to just be myself, the way God made me, around new people. I believe God will present an open door for me to share my faith and beliefs with him or her when the time is right, if it's right at all.

So I pose the question..."Does your facebook reflect the true face of Jesus, or the facade?"

Life Lessons

There are two things I have learned from my experience in pageants.

1. Bitterness
Bitter can be defined as "hard to bear, grievous or hard to accept." I've learned that this is very common ground for beauty queens. Hostile feelings towards the girls who have done well when you haven't or the girls who win and "didn't deserve to."
I was at a popular store, in my home state, shopping for my pageant and was discussing the recent Miss USA events with the salesgirl. She made it very clear that she had a strong dislike for the girl who represented our state this year at the pageant. I came across similar stories on facebook involving status updates and tweets on Twitter. "So glad the RIGHT girl won." and so on. It makes me wonder why? Why is it so hard to be happy for others at our own expense?

I know, because I have been there. So bitter about the outcome of the pageant, that I wasn't able to have a civilized conversation about it. My blood boiled watching Miss America that year and I can honestly say that I was smug about how things went down.

My actions and behavior were so disgraceful.

Bitterness leaves holes in the soul. A hole that I believe only time and prayer can fill. I am thankful for a God who knows my hurts and weaknesses. I am humbled daily by his grace and the fact that I don't even deserve to show my face considering how I acted behind the scenes. Even though everyone else couldn't see it, God could.

2. Complaining
This is something I struggle with daily. Always wondering why we don't get what we want when we want it. I am one who certainly hates to be told "no."

I was sitting through the orientation for my fall semester of nursing school the other day listening to my classmates whine and complain about everything. "why aren't our books available?" "when are we going to get our schedule?" "what if I can't do clinical on Friday?!" "I have two kids and a husband, how am I going to do all this?!"

I wanted to scream, "SHUT UP!"
I feel lucky just to be here. Why do we have to demand things from our teachers from the get go? Where is it going to get you? No where, that's where.

My goal in any situation these days is to first, stay calm. Choose your words wisely and address the situation with grace. My devotion this morning was about the very subject and it states:

Sometimes God withholds a "yes" knowing we need to be prepared to receive His goodness in His time. Other times, when we've been told "no" due to our own bad choices or those of others, God withholds a "yes" to teach us something. Or it's a permanent "no" to protect us. Whichever way, God is always working things together for the good of those who love Him.

I am so grateful for these experiences. Thankful that I was able to learn very valuable lessons about myself and thankful that maybe one day I can teach these lessons to a daughter of my own.

The Struggle

Things have been going really well in my life these days. I am now a level three nursing student (praise God!) and I am well on my way to becoming a nurse. I just finished school on Monday and am already excited about the next semester and all the fun it will bring, but I can't help being sad at the same time.

I have made so many wonderful friends along this journey and I am so thankful for God's blessing, but it's going to end. In two short semesters we will all be pinned and will go our separate ways, and that makes me extremely sad. More sad than I was to graduate high school. I, in fact, was so ready to graduate high school that I didn't even cry! I was elated to move on from my small town life and become someone. But this is so different. I feel like these people are my family. It sounds so incredibly cheesy, but we have laughed and cried together and above all we've struggled together. This I feel is what brings human beings together. The struggle. The ebb and flow of life that can put you on top of a mountain and then bring you to your knees.

I think God intends for it to be this way. There's nothing like having a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on in time of trouble and strife. It's even better to have someone to celebrate with when you've crossed the finish line. You can look at one another and say, "We did it." I've had the same feeling lately with Maury. I was sitting next to him one evening and I thought to myself, "Look at how far we've come."

And that makes me think, it's all about the struggle. Without struggle there would be no lessons learned or bonds formed between people. And I think Christianity is like a struggle. If we were perfect in every way and had nothing to work hard for, what would be the point?

I have definitely struggled a lot in my life lately. School, my relationship, my personal issues and problems. But I can look back on those struggles and say to my self with relief "I did it," and that, I think, God smiles upon.

Wasted

There are some things in my life, I don't think I will ever understand.

Every morning when I wake up, I pray for God to grant me graciousness. I want to be the person that everyone likes to be around. Someone who genuinely cares for people and is always thankful and above all graceful.

I know I can be loud and probably obnoxious at times. I can even be needy and I often don't know when to shut my mouth, which can get me in trouble. I am passionate about life and that can turn into drama. It's because I want so much out of this life and what it has to offer. I don't want to waste one second of my time on the petty and insignificant things.

There are two girls in my clinical group, who I thought were my friends. They went to visit another unit last week and weren't shy about telling everyone how horrible and boring it was. There was a comment made about me that "I would have loved being there because all they did was sit on their asses all day." This comment maybe wouldn't have hurt so bad if she hadn't said it to my face, twice. I was a little caught of guard and asked her why she thought I "sat on my ass all day," and she said well when we were in interventional rotation together, every time I came into the room, you were sitting down. I told her that I would let her in on little secret.... I have had scoliosis since I was in the sixth grade and cannot stand for longer than 30 minutes-an hour. It hurts my back very badly. Needless to say she didn't believe me and called me a liar and the other girl said that "everyone has some curve in their spine...."

So today was our last day of clinical and we all brought food and goodies for the nurses to snack on. I was the one who volunteered to pick everything up and I ended up paying the most money, because I like to do nice and thoughtful things for people. I was sitting at the table and she whips out her camera and starts taking pictures of me, while I am talking to another student and I hear her say, "Let's take a picture of what Emma does all day!"

My point is, I don't get mean girls. I could never say things like that to a person and if I have and knew I hurt their feelings it would devastate me. How are people so mean? You never know someone's situation or story and yet you judge them. She will never know what it is I have to go through because of my circumstances. Being told at a very young age, I would never get to take dance again and that if I didn't continue painful chiropractor adjustments, I would have to have a rod placed in my back. She'll never know that on top of being in school I work up to 16 hours every single day preparing for my state pageant and I have a job on the side to boot. And she calls me lazy and says I sit on my ass all day long.

I don't want this post to be a whoa is me post, but I needed to express my feelings here. I feel like I do so much and yet people are still negative and judgmental towards me. I shouldn't expect thanks and praise, I know and I don't, but it would be nice if someone could try to understand. I certainly know that I would.

I can only hope and pray that I am never like this. That God will grant me the wisdom to know better and to never, ever make someone feel the way those two girls made me feel.

I am not even sure that I know how to start this post. It's about guilt or somewhat. I understand that the situation in Haiti is dire. That there are needs all across this world in very impoverished areas. The images we see are horrifying. They're gut wrenching and they often have the effect of making people want to get up from their couch/desk chair/church pew and be somebody or do something. But not me.

I have a passion for ill people whether it be, mental, physical or emotional, that's why I want to be a nurse. But I don't want to see it every single day. I feel guilty that I look away when a church I go to plays an emotional video of the situation in Haiti. Or when I see the commercials for Toms shoes. I feel like for some reason I should be there slaving away in a dirty shirt and jean shorts helping them and deep down, I don't want to. I don't want to live in Africa or Haiti and tend to the sick and ill there every day.

I want to serve the children in the hospitals here in America. I want to be able to go home to my nice house with my beautiful children and husband. Maybe I will take a missions trip to these other places but for some reason I am so scared that God will one day call me to live there or something, and I don't want that. One reason is because I know Maury would never go with me. It's not that he doesn't want to help it's that Africa isn't his style and it's certainly not mine either.

I am all of the sudden (as I am typing this) recalling a sermon by the pastor of the church that I attend regularly. He said that when he became a Christian the devil would make him feel guilty about the ways in which he expressed his faith. He felt guilty and felt obligated to carry his Bible everywhere he went and while he was at school if the Bible was covered by another book or in his bag or something, where people couldn't see it, he would hear a voice saying he wasn't a true Christian. He went as far as stopping, regularly, on the side of the road to talk to strangers and the homeless about Jesus. He felt "called" to do extreme things and if he wasn't doing them, then he wasn't truly serving the Lord.

Maybe this is my situation. I know I am called to help Children I just want it to be here. There is no sense in worrying about the future because all we really have is today right?

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not harm you. To give you hope and future."

A Mother's Love.

Imagine holding your baby boy in your arms the day he is born into the world. You promise him that you can and will do everything you can to ensure his well-being. He is everything to you, your whole world, and you finally know what it feels like to hold your whole heart in your hands.

Imagine watching him grow, his imagination running wild as a toddler, then into his adolescent years, which may not be so nice, but they are still full of unconditional love and hope. You make memories, you share traditions and even tears. You watch as he becomes a man and you are so proud when he brings his own children into the world. You thank God everyday for such a wonderful blessing. Such a selfless kind of love you have experienced.

Then one day, everything changes. He is working and is injured severely on the job. You get the phone call, he's in the hospital with a skull fracture and a broken arm. You pray on your way to the hospital, "Please God, be with my son."

He recovers and you go on about life and then come the complications. He has to be brought back in for another surgery to fix an infection. His condition is deteriorating and you have to watch him slowly slip away. He can no longer talk with you, he can hear what you are saying, but there is no response. You've made memories, shared traditions and now you have tears. Tears of sorrow and sadness. But in the midst of your heartache you find hope. You read to him from the Bible every day. You come alive when he wiggles his toes and lifts his finger ever so slightly. You have hope.

This has been my experience over the last two days in clinical. I have watched a mother tend to her child, her precious baby boy, as he slips away. His condition deteriorating. He is completely unresponsive but she still has hope. She still prays and reads to him from the Bible every morning at his bedside. She never leaves. She's a mother. There's nothing like a mother's love, it's unconditional and full of hope.

Glutton for Punishment

Sometimes I wonder why I torture myself with things that I know are no good for me. It's like looking away from a bad car wreck....no one does it, even though it's really none of your business and it slows traffic. A pet peeve of mine, rubber necking is.

I rubber neck things in my life that are better yet left alone. I know exactly what will be said or shared and I still engage. God has spoken with me on the matter quite often and I am sure that he laughs gloriously at me when I continue to torture myself. Some may call it disobedience, but I don't think so. It serves no good and he knows this and it only hurts me so I am really punishing myself. He probably thinks I am a fool, scoffs at me and says "Told you so."

So I was able to put facebook and my beloved twitter to bed (it's almost over!) for Lent, so why am I unable to throw this away? It's like a sad little dress hanging in the back of my closet. It looks hideous on me, but on the hanger it's so enticing and promising. But when you put it on, you get that pissed off feeling, like "why did I waste my freaking time?!"

So I'm taking my little dress to goodwill, if you will. Even though there is no "good" will about it.

What is Love?

I know what love is, but sometimes I wonder if others do. Maury has taught me about love. What it really means. My parents are good representatives of love. They've been married for 25 years. They're love is different, I think, than Maury and I's love. I would imagine that they're love is like a fine wine. It gets better with age. Tastes comfortable and warms the soul, but can still get you drunk when you have too much. Maury and I are like strong Vodka. One shot and we are all over each other. Yes, I am comparing love to alcohol.

Moving on.... I think parents display a different kind of love for their children. You have to. Of course, I don't have a clue what kind of love that is, because I have no children. All of this love talk is bringing me to a situation I am experiencing with a very close friend, Nikki.

She was my roommate in college and one of the best friends I have ever had. She's a boy's girl, like me. We each have a handful of girl friends and all the rest were boys. We both never really fit in with the other girls growing up. I hate girl drama and so does she. That's why we get along so well. Anyway, back to the situation. She has met a boy and fallen madly in love. I've known her all this time to not get serious with boys. She did once with one boy. Thought he was seriously the one and he told her she was. Then he stopped calling. Never returned her calls and the next thing we knew he showed up to a mutual friend's wedding with a blonde hairdresser. That was a night I'll never forget. This boy is different. I haven't heard that much about him, that's how I know. The more she talks, the less likely it is to work out.

So she is just head over friggin heals and I am so happy for her. There's only one problem. Her parents don't approve and not because he's a bad person, or anything like that, it's because he's black.

I have never felt so sorry for a friend in love in all my life. Which brings me back to my original point about the love parents have for their children. My parents have displayed this same type of love. Controlling love. Her parents have expressed their strong disapproval of him and their relationship and have said to her on many occasions that she "better not be with him" or "you better not be doing this or that." I couldn't help but recall my parents saying such things about me painting my bedroom in my new house. "No you are not painting your bedroom unless I approve of the color." Of course this is no comparison to her problem, but it's the same in a way.

Why can't some parents let go? I thought I was the only one I knew who had to deal with this kind of problem. Parents that won't let you make your own decisions. For a long time I was crippled by the fact that I felt I couldn't make my own decisions without their input. And they don't realize they are doing it. They think they are doing what is best for their child and they are helping, when in fact it's hindering the very process God has designed for people. Becoming your own person. When you meet the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with, you have to cleave to him or her. That's what the Bible says. The problem these days is that men and women aren't betrothed at the age of 12 any more. We are older. We don't get married before we can drive a car. We have been use to leaving our parents house and moving straight into marriage. That's a thing of the past.

I am glad though, that I have been through this situation and have seen the other side. God only knows I would have never been a prosperous, functioning member of society if I were still depending on my parents for the decision making. Now I am able to help someone else and that was the point all along. So as for her, I hope I can talk her through this. Help her get strong and stand up for herself.

Changes.

I couldn't even wait a week. I am over the pinkness. Back to brown/dark pink sophistication. It feels good to be home.

By The Way...

I think my new layout is waaaaay too girl/cutesy. It's making me wonder who threw up pepto bismol all over my blog. Anyone else (who actually reads this) think so? I almost feel as if I have lost IQ points because of this. Like, no one will take me seriously when they see the ribbons and bows.

Let me know your thoughts. I'm giving it a week.

Who Would Have Thought?

I'm a Prodder. A Picker, prodder, poker...anything I can do to get you to tell me what I sometimes think I want to hear. Then I realize it was probably better me not knowing. I do this all the time, torture myself with words and thoughts of what people are really thinking, doing and saying etc. I do it to Maury a lot and I HATE IT.

We have a had a beautiful week, and we haven't seen each other in two. I have missed him so terribly I can't sleep at night. I hate being away from him so long. We've talked every day, two or three times a day and it's been great. He went to Vegas with his buddies and the other men in his family this week. So of course, I prod. I poke and and I pick to find out if they did anything that I might not approve of. Sure enough, I got my answer. Of course it's nothing life threatening or horrific or even perverse, it's just something I would rather not be happening. So I get all upset and disgruntled, like that will change something and it irritates him. And of course, I can understand why. I am incessantly on a mission to make him perfect. I want him to never do wrong so that I don't have to worry about him. I don't ever want him to make mistakes and that's not fair. I feel horrible.

All I can do is pray. Pray for God to tell him the words that will make a difference. I can also pray that if need be, he uses me in the right way to speak to him. My devotion awhile back was about how our men aren't perfect and sure, we probably think they need to make changes, but we have to leave the changing up to the Holy Spirit. We (it refers to us a wives, but I'm not a wife yet.) are here to be encouraging, uplifting and supportive. It will never work to tear them down when attempting to build them up.

That's a hard pill for me to swallow I guess. Letting someone else have control. So maybe the lesson in all of this was actually for me. Who would have thought?

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying.

If we had everything we ever needed or wanted right now, there would be no point in living the rest of the life God gave us. No suspense, no surprises and no joy in receiving the things we prayed or hoped for. We'd have nothing left to work hard for. We would be bored.

This is a recent revelation I have had. I wish this would have come sooner, but then again, I should probably read the above statement when I wish for things like that. :)

Thanks to the good Lord above for this one.

Preparations...

Crunch time is coming and I am so busy and bustling about life. I love being busy, working 12-18 hour days. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. My two main focuses right now are school (of course) and my state pageant coming soon.

School is a BLAST. I have never had this much fun. When I was working on my Associates degree in Pre-Nursing, I hated going to school. I skipped a lot and was late to class a lot. I still made the grades, but I just loathed giving up my entire morning to studying Salmonella and E.coli in Micro. I'd rather see a craniotomy or write up a fabulous care plan. This is why I love, love, love nursing school. I get up every morning, some mornings enthusiastic, some not so much, and I go to school. I don't ever contemplate missing and I have been late to only one lecture this semester.

My state pageant is coming soon as I said before. This year is different for me. It's better, more laid back and everything is working out flawlessly and according to plan. Of course, I know I will have some bumps and maybe some bruises (we've all had those) along the way, but I'm not worried in the least. All in God's hands and timing I say.

So things are getting vigorous. I am dieting, working out twice a day on most days and throwing in cardio when I can, and getting paperwork, pictures and my talent track together. I am so excited to these next few weeks!

Emphasis on Influence

It often amazes me at the extraordinary influence Maury has on me. I don't know why I expect that he shouldn't, because it's supposed to happen in a relationship. My therapist (yes I have one, I think everyone should) says that relationships are about "growing each other up." You make each other better people.

I smile when I think about all the awesome things he has taught me. We had an in depth conversation about politics this weekend. Politics are a subject that I particularly don't care to discuss often. I think it breeds arguments and makes people tense and standoffish. Maury and I have very similar political beliefs, which is necessary, but we never have really had an in depth discussion about them. He is so smart and makes me think in ways I haven't before.

He also makes me want to be a positive, just generally happy person. He worries about nothing, literally nothing. I always worry about him. Worry about him in school, what he is doing everyday, if he makes the right decisions, etc. It consumes my life at times. I worry about him being a good person more than I do myself. I place really high expectations on him, often higher expectations that I have for myself. I want him to be perfect, so I don't have to worry. It's really toxic thinking and a toxic lifestyle. I hate it. I wish I could just live my life and not freaking worry so much. I have no confidence. He helps bring that out in me. He told me this weekend to "Quit looking for reasons for things to be wrong, quit looking for problems!" What an extraordinary but oh so simple solution to my molehill-out-of-a-mountain problem.

So another ode to Maury. Thank you God for bringing someone into my life to give me a swift kick in the pants once in awhile.

I made a 96 on my test today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! I am posting it here because it's killing me that I can't twitter it. I'm one step closer to having my dream job and it feels fabulous. :)

That's all!

The Notebook

I hate chick flicky movies. Love stories. The kind that make your stomach turn and your teeth rot out of your face. The ooey gooey sickening love kind. I hate them because they aren't real. No one ever finds that kind of love. The love they can't live without. The kind of love where it's hard to breath, you have no words, and the only feeling you get is butterflies.

I have refused to watch any thing or read any thing by Nicholas Sparks. He use to be my favorite author until a few years ago. Until I became bitter about love. I let someone ruin love for me. Ruin everything that it means and what it stands for. Real love. The ooey gooey rot your teeth our of your face kind of love. I've never ever experienced that kind of love, until Maury.

Yes, I am doing it. I am succumbing to the evil. This entry is dedicated to the man that I love with all of my heart and soul. Maury.

What I have described above in the fist paragraph is exactly the way I feel about Maury. Thinking about him gives me butterflies. There really are no other words I could use to describe the way I feel about him. He's the man I see waiting for me at the end of the aisle on our wedding day. The one I see holding our first precious baby and most importantly, the one I want to grow old with in the nursing home. I never ever want to live without him. Thinking about it makes it hard to breathe.

Our love is no where near perfect. It's messy and all over the place. But we make it. We've made it through a lot the last 2 years, and I can honestly say because of him, I am better. I am a better person. I think differently. He's better too. He's a more beautiful person that the day that I met him and that's hard to believe. He surprises me everyday. He's smart, witty, hysterically funny, passionate, compassionate, ambitious, loving, caring, faithful, positive, loyal, self-controlled, laid-back, and so much more. The most important thing is, he loves me unconditionally and has since the day we got together. He has never once doubted his love for me. He supports me in whatever I do and for all that I appreciate and love him more than anything in the world.

See, I use to hate love stories.......... until I found my own. :)

Show and Tell

What's a Christian?

This is a question I have struggled with my whole life and I continue to struggle with it today. I think I'm a Christian. I strive to be like Christ. I want to love the world and the people in it, like he did. Isn't that what Christian is?

"Blue Like Jazz," changed my life. My friendship with the "girl who lives by the beach," as we will call her, changed my life. It's so mysterious to think of the most insane ways God brings the most perfect people into your life. Back to the book and beach girl. One single night in a coffee shop, changed my entire life forever and I am so glad for it. It's a book about getting away from over processed religion and getting closer to Jesus. It's a great read and I recommend it highly.

I hate religion but for some reason my soul craves it. I am a person who needs rules to be followed. Otherwise I feel lost. I can't make decisions on my own. Without deadlines, nothing and I literally mean nothing would get done in my life. I have to have structure, rules, guidelines. But I hate structure, rules and guidelines. I am independent and strong willed. I don't like it when people tell me what to do. I like to make my own rules, but the problem is, I won't make them.

I am a rare breed you could say. And this all brings me to being a Christian. I watched The Real Housewives of Orange County tonight and was throughly annoyed at Alexis, one of the wives. I feel like every single second she can, she makes it a point to make her Christianity known. She will stop in the middle of a lunch to pray for someone, invites her pastor and his wife over for breakfast to discuss a "spat" as she called it, that she had with another wife, and she talks incessantly about the devil and his "temptations." She disgusts me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. It's the exact same feeling that I use to get when my dad would play Hillsong worship music all day in the car on long road-trips and praise the Lord while he did it. I would silently pray that he would change it.

I don't know why I get these feelings, but I do. I wonder if what I am feeling is what others who may not be religious feel when we overtly express our feelings for Christ around or to them. It's like when I read a friend's blog and every single word is praise be to Jesus and I can't stand it! Does she live a normal life? Is it bad that I am even saying that right now? I don't know. I just want people to act normal and their Christianity be an amazing plus. I don't want to tell you my entire testimony until I know you and I won't. My friend Christa is a perfect example. She is so laid back and casual about her faith. On the other hand my friend Kate has 400 Bible verses on her facebook and says the Bible is her favorite book. Is it bad that I think that is so boring?

Maybe I am rambling but these are my thoughts lately. That and going to church. I don't go every Sunday. I don't think you should have to and I don't want to feel pressured to go, but I do. I want to go because I want to. Not just because it's routine. I love my church and I often love going, but I love to sleep too. I am tired these days and Sunday's are usually my only day off. I want to get a mani/pedi, go to the park or the bookstore, get coffee etc. Sometimes I feel like I get more out of my morning e-mail devotion than I have ever gotten out of church my entire 23 years of life. Sometimes I feel like the last place Go speaks to us is in church. He spoke to me in my front yard, while pulling weeds for crying out loud.

It's such a struggle for me. And maybe that's what being a "Christian" means. Maybe I'll never find out.

40 Days, 40 Nights.

I am positive the nights will be the hardest. I am giving up Facebook and Twitter for Lent. It's going to be a toughy, but I know I can do it.

I'm not Catholic, however Maury has some Catholic background and he gave up alcohol for Lent last year. This brought us to my current situation. We were at dinner for Valentine's day and I asked him if he was giving anything up this year. He said he hadn't really thought about it, and didn't know. About that time I was browsing twitter on my phone and he said, I bet you can't go a single day without checking your facebook or twitter and Wha-la! He challenged me to given them up for Lent.

It's going to be refreshing, I think. I am curious to see how well my grades will be doing around Easter. I'll let you know :)

What is Private? What is Sacred?

These are questions I have pondered lately. We live in a world dominated by the Internet, Gossip Columns, Facebook, and Twitter. I am guilty as well of using these tools to network, but how far are we going as a society when we post our most private lives for all the world to see?

Everyday it seems I am reading news of someone's recent biopsy or Doctor's visit on facebook/twitter. They go as far as to describe their diagnosis and treatment plan. We share our sonogram pictures of our unborn children, our wedding and dare you even, our honeymoon photos. This is for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE and take part in. I don't understand it. Don't get me wrong, I like to see an engagement photo or two and maybe even a baby picture, but I don't want to see the entire birth. I saw the "Miracle of Life" in high school and don't care to see it again until it happens to me, if then even!

It seems like we are so ready to place our most sacred of happenings and memories on display. I feel like it's only a popularity contest. Who's life is better than yours? Everyone wants their fair share of the ooey gooey goodness.

On another note. I can't help but cringe every time I receive a personal invitation to a wedding shower, personal shower or baby shower, on Facebook. What ever happened to the good old fashioned paper invitation? Why is it so hard to do that anymore? I enjoy opening an envelope to find a beautiful invitation waiting inside. It shows you care. Is it bad that I refuse to attend such an event? If you don't care enough, to take the time to pick out an invitation and send it to me, I don't care to come.

I will reiterate the popularity contest. People only create events like this so that they can feel good about themselves and see how many people will respond. And then they want the people that didn't get invited to see it and wonder why they weren't invited. I can't stand it.

This has made me want to boycott Facebook and all it entails. I am sick of the baby bump status updates. I don't care that you have heartburn today or that you lost your mucous plug. I also don't want to hear about how fabulous your husband is, how he is such a dream, you never fight and will be together forever. Get over yourself and your fake life.

Somethings are just better left unshared.

:::::::THIS JUST IN::::::::::

2/5/09 11:20 pm

Just checking out Facebook and noticed a friend of mine updated her status to include details of her UTI. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? This could possibly be the last straw. I honestly just don't understand people. Why would you ever want to put something like that on a social networking site?! There really are no words left.

There She Is...

I literally just walked out of the live telecast of Miss America and I can honestly say I am pleased with the results. My home state girl didn't win, but she represented us so well, and I am so proud of her.

The top 10 talent this year was the best I can remember it being in a long time. It was fun to watch in anticipation of what would come next. Don't get me wrong, there have always been a select few outstanding talents in the 10, but this year it seemed like the majority were fabulous. The evening gowns were stunning and the swim suits fierce. I must say, that it was a really great year.

As I sat in my seat minutes before it was to begin, I felt a million and one emotions creep into my being. I was flooded with nerves and anxiety. It was so overwhelming, I almost cried. I couldn't really understand why. Why was I so emotional and I'm not even competing? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's still the dream. At that moment, more than ever I realized that I could be on that stage in a year. I want that more than anything. I want that shot, that crown, that job.

We found an amazing talent gown while we were there. It was so incredible that I got teary eyed when I put it on. Sure, some will mock me and and say, silly girl who cries when she puts on dresses, but only few who are like me understand. It's like when an Olympic runner laces up his shoes for the first time, or when a new surgeon puts on his first pair of sterile gloves. It's a dream, no matter how big or small. And it's my dream.

Ready

So tonight I tried something a little out there. I made a brownie recipe that consisted mainly of black beans. Yep, that's right, beans. And it's pretty good. I mean it's no Betty Crocker, but they're pretty decent. I am trying really hard here. I am trying so hard to look unbelievable at my state pageant this year, and if that means eating brownies made of black beans then so be it.

I want to be Miss State so badly, I can taste it. I was 1st runner up 2 years in a row. I thought I knew what it was to "want it." But I don't really think I did. Around 2 weeks before the pageant I would kind of freak out and say, it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't win. I would be okay. I wasn't ready. But I am now. I know it. I feel it in my bones.

It's amazing how different you think things will be. How they'll turn out. I was sure 6 months ago that I was done with pageants and ready to marry Maury. But, now that's not the case. I still want to marry Maury, just not yet. I want to be Miss State. I want him to finish school, as well as me. I want to finish school too. God knew exactly who I needed when he placed Maury in front of me. He knew I would need someone that didn't want to get married right away. He knew I needed time. That's why no other relationship I've ever had worked out. The ones that were decent anyway. They were ready to settle, to get married, but God knew I wasn't. He has a few other things before that phase of my life. He knew I'd need to try this one more time and Maury is the perfect person to walk through life with me. I am so thankful for the opportunity to try again and for Maury.

Now I am ready.

For the Love of Realization.

My mother always says that "Satan attacks you the most when you are smack dab in the middle of the will of God." This to me is a huge relief and at the same time and extreme burden.

Little golden white lies is what I like to call his whispers. The Bible teaches us that he can come in all shapes, colors and sizes, but his favorite of all is to disguise himself as an angel of the light. (2 corinthians) I find this to be the most annoying and confusing thing of all. I feel like, at times, it is so hard to hear the voice of God in my madness of life, no wonder the devil enjoys complicating the process by trying to drown out God with his lies. These are times when he is the most successful. You think you are hearing the voice of God and you follow it to only find yourself in the wilderness, blinded and barely breathing later on down the road. He beats you up, he brings you and the good works you are doing down.

This happens to me a lot. That is why I am so thankful to have good counsel. My parents for one, Maury second and good friends like Kate. They bring you back to that still small voice that is there only if you choose to listen. It is a whisper of peace, hope, love and acceptance. It's grace. Satan can whisper too, don't you worry. It's what follows is the most important. If it's anxiety, stress, or fear, its WRONG. Don't listen. I read once in a devotional by Joyce Meyer that said, "If you feel pressed to make a decision off the cuff, at that very second, it's wrong." Peace should follow. God is peace.

Maury once asked me "How exactly do you know if you are hearing the voice of God and not the devil?" I think this is ultimately the struggle of life. It's the push and pull between the greater good and evil. It's where people get lost in the shuffle, where we find out who can take it and who can't. I want us all to be able to look the devil straight in the dace and take a hike. I know that's what I am going to do.

Protein Bars, Pageants and Level 2.

The protein bars I made were a huge success! The second batch that is :) Everything was going really well with the first batch until I got to the sea salt part. I forgot to buy sea salt at the store so I went a searchin for some in my house. I came across an older bottle that I had gotten as a part of a dirty santa gift last year at Maury's family Christmas. So I break open the seal and begin to grind the salt into my batter. Then all the sudden the lid breaks loose and the entire jar of salt goes into the batter. I was so upset. I frantically tried to extract all the excess and thought that I got it all until I baked them. They were so salty and awful, I wanted to cry. So I pitched that batch and made a new one the next day. I must say, these are much better and I have even had two friends from school ask for the recipe!

I've been eating a lot of the protein bars lately because I won a local pageant last weekend! I am so excited to make the trip back to state, I can't even stand it! It's going to be hard, but I know I can do it. I am so ready.

This week was also the beginning of level 2. It's really really hard. Fluids and Electrolytes especially. I have just felt like a zombie, walking all over campus. Basically like a little pin ball in the machine of life. Just bouncing around hoping to score some points somewhere and not get lost. It promises to smooth out, but I don't know. Between this, my two jobs, Maury, the pageant, family and time for myself I'm going to be exhausted. But I know the plans the Lord has for me. I know, without a shadow of a doubt I am in the perfect place right now.

Time For a Non-Food Related Post.

The "Real World" is what I will call my "mindless" entertainment. We already know this of course, seeing as how I have already blogged about this specific show in the past. Funny, how I call it my "mindless" entertainment and it often leaves me with a mess to sort through and think about. This leads me to my next thought...

This season is set in Washington D.C. I was awake the other night and couldn't sleep and had the privilege to view the first episode. It begins with a girl named Ashley. A self-proclaimed Christian from the get go. She believes that "When no one else has been there for her, Christ has" and views religion as a huge part of her life. We will jump now to Ty, whom I will call agnostic, not a term used by him, but me. He believes that there may be a force of some sort out there, but doesn't really know where he fits in it all and if there is a God.

We will jump ahead to a dinner scene in which Ashley and Ty begin a heated conversation about religion. This I find healthy. I think it is important for people to dialogue about their differences, otherwise, how else will we learn about others? They continue their conversation outside and she then asks him to not deny God in front of her. She feels that if he denies God, that it is her responsibility to speak up and say something.

Next we jump back to the house and Mike is seen speaking with Ty about religion. He hopes to learn more about the other roommates and their religions as well. He is hoping to be tolerant of Ty's views. The camera then cuts to Ashley listening outside the door. She then barges in the room and begins to act like she just walked in on a random conversation. She sits and listens. Then Mike gets up to leave and she begins to address the previous situation with Ty. She then asks him to never mention religion to her again and says that she sees "this" which to my understanding means "he and her" never working out and gets up to leave muttering under her breath how there are seven others in the house to get to know.

How can someone proclaim Jesus with every breath deny the very reason he came to save this world? I find her disgusting and disrespectful. Jesus Christ is ultimately who we are to model our lives after right? I find it hard to believe that Christ would have said those words to Ty, or to someone like him. He would have sat, listened and given words of wisdom. He would have prayed for him maybe. Definitely wouldn't have said, "Look dude, I don't ever see this going anywhere, so please, don't talk to me about my father again. I mean there are others in this world anyway."

I think the reason I can't stand her is because I used to be like her. If others didn't agree with my point of view, there really wasn't a purpose for getting to know them, so I didn't. I wrote them off, ignored them. I think Christ hates what I did, worse than the people who don't know what they believe in.

Thank you God, for changing me.

Clean Eating Power Protein Bars.

Mmmmmmm....these look scrumptious!!!

I have never really been a fan of commercial protein bars and the ones I have found that I like have about a million calories in them, so it really defeats the purpose. I'm also the type of person to eat them until I get sick and then never crave them again.

These on the other hand look great and they have pretty reasonable stats. Only 290 calories and 15 g of protein. Plus, I will have no fear of the processed food that's often lurking in mass produced protein bars.

I'm making them tomorrow, of course they require a trip to Whole Foods as I am positive I'm not finding the ingredients at my neighborhood Wal-Mart.

Here's the recipe:

1 c. whey or soy protein powder

1/2 c. quinoa flour - can also substitute amaranth, millet, spelt, or kamut

2 c. rolled oats - not instant

1.2 c. oat bran

1/2 c. coarsely chopped flax seed

1/2 c. wheat germ

1 tsp. sea salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp nutmeg

1/2 c. Agave Nectar or organic honey

1 c. dark chocolate, broken into pieces

1/2-2 c. yogurt cheese or soy yogurt cheese - there is a recipe for this in the book, I am hoping I can buy this...

1/4 c. avocado, canola or healthy oil of your choice.

2 tsp extra virgin olive oil

1 tsp best quality vanilla

Organic cooking spray

Preheat oven to 350, coat a 9x13 baking pan with cooking spray

In large bowl combine protein powder, flour, oats, oat bran, flax seed, wheat germ, sea salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, agave nectar or honey. Stir in broken chocolate pieces.

In another bowl, mix yogurt cheese, oils and vanilla, mix well. Add mixture to dry ingredients. Using your bare hands to mix works best. Coating hands in olive oils also helps to prevent sticking.

Place mixture in prepared pan and press down, evening out the top. Bake on the middle rack in the oven for about 15 min. Remove from heat and cut the bars. Place bars on a cookie sheet and bake again for another 15 min. Remove and place on wire rack to cool. Place in airtight container and refrigerate. Makes anywhere from 20-24 bars depending on how you cut them.

I am really excited about this one!!

So It Begins...

Today is the day folks.... I am starting my quest for healthy food perfection. It was really hard to choose my first venture, I wanted something impressive, but I also don't want to burn it.

So I chose, what I believe to be a perfect first choice recipe.

Roast Stuffed Pork Tenderloin

It's a beautiful, lean pork tenderloin stuffed with a mixture of broccoli, oat bran, walnuts, bread crumbs and apricots. The picture looks amazing and I can't wait to cook it this evening. I almost feel like a fraud because I had to leave out the oat bran. My local Target didn't have any. That's one thing I hate about super store chains. They never have the healthy stuff. I am also substituting dried apricots for fresh as Target did not have these either.

I'm under a lot of pressure tonight, seeing as how I am cooking for my biggest food critic, Maury. He's a very picky eater. I am confident he will love it though. We shall see :)

Here is the recipe:

1/2 c. cooked broccoli

1/4 c. finely chopped parsley

1/2 c. bread-crumbs

1/4 c. fine oat bran

1/3 c. chopped walnuts

1/3 c. chopped apricots

2 Tbsp. water or low sodium chicken stock

2 Pork tenderloins - I chose 1 large one

1 Tbsp. black peppercorns, coarsely chopped

1 tsp. dried sage

1 tsp. dried rosemary

1 tsp dried thyme

Sea Salt

Preheat oven to 350

In medium bowl combine broccoli, bread-crumbs, oat bran, walnuts, parsley, apricots and water/chicken stock. Mix well, set aside.

Place tenderloin on cutting board and butterfly it, cutting almost all the way through but not quite. Flatten the tenderloin a little using a cleaver or meat hammer. Spoon the stuffing inside.

Fold one side over and secure with toothpicks - TRICK: soak the toothpicks in water beforehand to avoid burning.- Sprinkle with dried herbs, peppercorns and sea salt.

Bake in baking dish for 25-40 minutes or until meat thermometer reads 160. Remove meat and cover with foil and let stand for 5 min.

Enjoy!

RESULTS:

So the pork was okay. I am little disappointed. I expected this savory, delicious meal and it was just mediocre. The stuffing was a little too sweet for my taste, compliments of the apricots I am sure. Pork is really hard to cook, I think. It's all about temperature and timing. Maury didn't have a meat thermometer, so it was really difficult to tell if the meat was done or not. I will probably revamp the stuffing. When I think of stuffing, I want something hearty. This was too much vegetable and not enough stuff, you know what I mean?

I paired it with some Uncle Ben's 90 minute Whole Grain Medley rice and a tossed Ceasar Salad. Those were yummy :)

All in all I am pretty disappointed in my first recipe. Oh well, on to the next.