This is a question I have struggled with my whole life and I continue to struggle with it today. I think I'm a Christian. I strive to be like Christ. I want to love the world and the people in it, like he did. Isn't that what Christian is?
"Blue Like Jazz," changed my life. My friendship with the "girl who lives by the beach," as we will call her, changed my life. It's so mysterious to think of the most insane ways God brings the most perfect people into your life. Back to the book and beach girl. One single night in a coffee shop, changed my entire life forever and I am so glad for it. It's a book about getting away from over processed religion and getting closer to Jesus. It's a great read and I recommend it highly.
I hate religion but for some reason my soul craves it. I am a person who needs rules to be followed. Otherwise I feel lost. I can't make decisions on my own. Without deadlines, nothing and I literally mean nothing would get done in my life. I have to have structure, rules, guidelines. But I hate structure, rules and guidelines. I am independent and strong willed. I don't like it when people tell me what to do. I like to make my own rules, but the problem is, I won't make them.
I am a rare breed you could say. And this all brings me to being a Christian. I watched The Real Housewives of Orange County tonight and was throughly annoyed at Alexis, one of the wives. I feel like every single second she can, she makes it a point to make her Christianity known. She will stop in the middle of a lunch to pray for someone, invites her pastor and his wife over for breakfast to discuss a "spat" as she called it, that she had with another wife, and she talks incessantly about the devil and his "temptations." She disgusts me and makes me extremely uncomfortable. It's the exact same feeling that I use to get when my dad would play Hillsong worship music all day in the car on long road-trips and praise the Lord while he did it. I would silently pray that he would change it.
I don't know why I get these feelings, but I do. I wonder if what I am feeling is what others who may not be religious feel when we overtly express our feelings for Christ around or to them. It's like when I read a friend's blog and every single word is praise be to Jesus and I can't stand it! Does she live a normal life? Is it bad that I am even saying that right now? I don't know. I just want people to act normal and their Christianity be an amazing plus. I don't want to tell you my entire testimony until I know you and I won't. My friend Christa is a perfect example. She is so laid back and casual about her faith. On the other hand my friend Kate has 400 Bible verses on her facebook and says the Bible is her favorite book. Is it bad that I think that is so boring?
Maybe I am rambling but these are my thoughts lately. That and going to church. I don't go every Sunday. I don't think you should have to and I don't want to feel pressured to go, but I do. I want to go because I want to. Not just because it's routine. I love my church and I often love going, but I love to sleep too. I am tired these days and Sunday's are usually my only day off. I want to get a mani/pedi, go to the park or the bookstore, get coffee etc. Sometimes I feel like I get more out of my morning e-mail devotion than I have ever gotten out of church my entire 23 years of life. Sometimes I feel like the last place Go speaks to us is in church. He spoke to me in my front yard, while pulling weeds for crying out loud.
It's such a struggle for me. And maybe that's what being a "Christian" means. Maybe I'll never find out.
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