What A Weekend..

I promised myself I would never write about trivial things that happen in my life.  Even though a blog is supposed to be a window into someone else's world, I prefer to keep that view limited. So in a few words or less I will describe my weekend.  

My sister's ex boyfriend's dad committed suicide Thursday night.  I've never felt such heartache for one family in my life.  They have no money and no way of providing a proper memorial service.  They are wanting to move out of the house and have no money to do so either.  My mom set up a trust fund this morning for people in the community to donate funds.  I can only pray God's hand will be upon them while they make their way through this terrible tragedy.

I grew up being taught that people who commit suicide don't go to heaven.  It makes me really wonder now if that's true.  I honestly don't think that someone who commits suicide is in their right mind when it happens.  I wonder if God forgives and welcomes them with open arms in heaven.  I wonder if he holds them and tells them it's okay and that nothing bad can ever happen to them again.  But then again I wonder if he chooses to have no mercy.  Living your life is all about the choices you make and the consequences that follow them.  Is suicide someone's way of getting out of the consequences given to them?  I don't know.  All I know is that I am glad it's not my job to judge.  

Towards the end of the weekend Maury and I had a huge fight.  It was the worst fight in the history of our relationship.  Needless to say it got really ugly.  It ended with me packing my things and leaving to stay with my mom at her hotel.  The next day he asked to meet me before I left.  We had a long conversation about expectations and our relationship.  Lots of tears, hugs and kisses later I am happy to say we are going to make it.  It marked a huge crossroad in our relationship.  A lot of changes are coming. Changes for the better.  I know it sounds awful, but I am really glad it happened.   I believe it was all apart of the plan.  There had been too much tension built up from certain issues in our relationship, and to feel like they are finally getting solved is a huge relief.  I love him with all of my heart and soul and it is so refreshing and wonderful to know he feels the same way.  

God works in really strange ways.  He takes the ugliest of situations and turns them into beautiful lessons learned.  Maury and I went out to the lake to hike and swim the morning after our fight.  It was so relaxing to be with him with no distractions, just the two of us.  We walked and talked and swam and had so much fun.  Knowing we can make it through anything makes me confident in us.  I am so looking forward to the rest of my life with him. 

Idle Time

The verdict is in....  I'm off work for the next two weeks.  I know it's sad, but I am kind of excited.  There are so many things I want to get done around the new house.  I'm also looking forward to a four day weekend in Texas with Maury :)

Even though I am excited about my idle time, I am a little nervous.  I tend to be a worrier when I have a lot of nothing to do.  It's my weakness.  I am a huge over thinker, and I can sit for hours and obsess about what I think are problems in my life.  So, I am going to take these next two weeks and get angry.  I am going to battle my weakness, head on.  I think God may have given me this time to combat it and make it stop.  This is a growing period!  

Today, I am plagued with a sore throat and slight head cold.  It baffles me at how I can get these little bugs at the most ridiculous times.  I never get the flu when everyone else does, you know, during normal flu season.  I'll get it in August or something completely stupid.  So right now that's what I am dealing with.  We'll see how it plays out.  

Hi Ho Hi Ho

It's off to work I go..... or so I thought.  

I got sent home today.  I hurt my back last week.  I've had scoliosis since I was a kid and just recently it started acting up again.  So, I went to the doc and found out my lumbar spine is curved 10 degrees to the left, causing my hips to be uneven and a pinched sciatic nerve.  Super. 

I get a note from the doctor to do absolutely no heavy lifting.  Nothing over 10 lbs.  I take the note to my manager today and she flips out.  Acts like it's my fault that my back is hurt.  She sends me off to Employee Health to see if I can get clearance, but first I have to do vitals.  Well, by the time I am done and  make it over to EH, they are closed.  Meanwhile,  She is running around frantic to find someone to work for me, which is the real reason why she was upset.  I was the only aid tonight and am the only aid Wed. and Thurs.  so that means she has to cover those three shifts in case Employee Health won't let me work.  So another one of the aids came in and I was sent home.  I am going to EH tomorrow morning so we will see what happens.  

I asked her if I could do light work and still stay on the floor and she said no.  She has to have an aid that can lift, which is ridiculous.  I work in pediatrics.  I NEVER lift patients, with the exception of moving them up in bed.  Now why can't the nurses move them up in bed for a few weeks while I am recovering? The majority of my job consists of things that do not require lifting or moving, so needless to say I was very annoyed.  She said they were going to stick me on another floor to file.  Whatever.  That's fine.  I'll deal with it. 

Right now I am watching the train wreck that is Jon and Kate plus 8 unfold on television.  My heart aches for them.  I loved them as a couple.  Her book was so fantastic and so uplifting, however somehow I feel like it was all a lie.  I hate that they can't get it together.  I am more disappointed in Jon and his childish actions and behavior.  He actually had the nerve to say he was "excited" about the future.  I can understand his resentment towards her.  She was pretty harsh to him on the show numerous times, but no one deserves that.  And for him to cheat openly to the public? What a fool.  Does he not understand his kids will be seeing that and asking questions?  Not to mention the ridicule they will receive at school.  He blows my mind.  And to pull the "I'm only 32" card?  So sad.  You should have thought about that before you got married at 22, sir.  That's the life you have been given and you can't take it back.  Such an unfortunate turn of events.  I almost don't even want to see the show anymore.  I was hoping they would quit the show to work on the marriage.  They both kept saying they were there "for the kids."  How do you think your kids got here?  There had to be a loving marriage relationship in order to bring children into the works.  If it weren't for the marriage there would have been no kids.  That's where I think people screw up.  They put their children above their spouse and that, in my opinion, is wrong.  Oh well,  I'll be praying for them and their family. 

Floating.

The one word every nurse and/or nurse aid dreads hearing.  Last night was my night and I was thrown to the wolves needless to say...

I got to work right at 2:30.  We had been low on patients since Friday and were floating the day aids.  Monday night however, we only had 8 pts, not enough to keep 2 aids, but they did.  So I show up to work last night and they have decided to float me.  I was supposed to be going to sit, which means basically hanging out in a pt room because they are not to be alone.  Well, they didn't end up needing me after all, so I went to 14w which is oncology/hospice.  After my first 4 hours there I was to be floated to 10w, ortho.  10w is the worst floor in the hospital.  we had 30 pts, 5 nurses and only 3 aids. 

 14 wasn't so bad except one of my pts was incontinent and I had to change her bedding 3 times. 10w wasn't so bad either, it's just that going from working in peds to working with the elderly, combative, incontinent and immobile, is really difficult.  Not to mention we don't do half of what they do up on those floors on a daily basis.  

So I hadn't eaten all shift and finally told them I was taking my "lunch" at around 7:30.  I went down to my home floor and found out that they had 10 pts that night.  I was so pissed off.  Why wouldn't they float when we had 8 but they will when we have 10?  It makes no sense.  They said it was because PICU needed us that night, but they had 5 nurses.  Oh well.  I'll chalk it up as good experience.  It just makes me thankful that I work on an easy floor and have good work relationships with the others.   

Now as for tonight, that could be a whole other story. 

Home Sweet Home.

I am now sitting in my brand new home :)

Today was the big move.  I got up at 6:30, after having pretty much zero sleep last night.  I finished packing up the bathroom and other odds and ends and waited for my mom.  She brought over Panera and then the movers showed up. 

I was really anxious about the move, especially trusting someone to move my stuff for me.  I am a complete perfectionist and a control freak.  Last time I moved the movers didn't wrap up any of my furniture.  My couch and chair were filthy and everything was scratched to hell.  They had placed something on my brand new desk in the truck and scratched it all up.  Then they couldn't get the bed apart (because the movers before them stripped all the screws) so they had to try and move the bed with the head board, foot board and frame attached, therefore scratching the bed all up.  What's worse is they didn't tell me and tried to cover it all up by coloring in the scratches with sharpie.  Needless to say I was pissed.  

This time was much different.  They wrapped every piece of furniture and were super careful with all my stuff.  I was very pleased.  They did an awesome job!  We unpacked, got my new fridge, had the cable set up and the alarm system installed.  Everything went really well! 

I am missing Maury very much.  We haven't been apart this long in over a year.  It will be 3 weeks next weekend, when I finally get to see him.  I am very excited :)

Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty.

My calorie counting has been going well.  I got a new app on my phone called "Lose It." It's fab.  You enter in your foods for the day and your exercises and it tells you how many more or less calories you can have to meet your weight goal.  My only issue has been finding out how many calories many of my favorite foods have.  I have bee craving Wendy's new Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty for three days.  I looked it up online and it is 540 calories, a little less than half my daily allowance, so I have proudly steered clear.  

All of this counting lately has reminded me of the irrational lifestyle I lived while competing.  I hated my life.  I hated dieting, cutting out carbs and dairy, only having salads and nothing substantial.  No desserts ever and I hated every second of it.  But the ironic thing is I love how I looked.  I was super skinny and looked smokin hot in my swimsuit.  My good friend and I were discussing this at the pageant last saturday night.  How good we used to look and feel about ourselves.  It makes me wonder why we place such unrealistic standards on ourselves just to look good?  No one looks like that year round, obviously, or we wouldn't have to work so hard to get there.  It's kind of ridiculous if you think about it. 

With all that said, I have had some stress about competing again.  Whether or not I really want to.  I know I want to be Miss State and all that it entails, but I feel like getting there is the tough part.  I am not killing myself this year with unrealistic goals.  I worked my ass off the last two years to win the Community Service Award and didn't even become a finalist.  I put in hundreds of hours and nothing.  I'm not doing it again.  I am going to relax and enjoy this process, like I believe it is supposed to be enjoyed.  

The Breast Is Yet To Come cont...

So I will not be doing the breast casting after all.  After I found out they were wanting to include my name and previous local title along with it, I decided it was a no go.  I thought the casts were going to be anonymous, and then sold strictly as art, not including the names and such.  I just have a hard time knowing someone will purchase my boobs and place them on their mantle.  If they didn't know that they were mine, maybe it would be different.  Plus, since I have decided to compete again for Miss State, I can see some negative backlash coming my way if I were to ever win...

"Miss America Auctions Off Exact Replica of Her Boobs!"  the headlines will read.  I prefer to keep my dignity for now.  Maybe I'll do it in 10 years. 

I am in my prime at the moment.  I am packing my things for the big move.  I am so excited to be in my new house, but so not excited to pack.  Could I just have a mini estate sale, and use the proceeds to buy new house things please?  If only. 

The Breast Is Yet To Come.

I got an e-mail recently from and old friend suggesting I link up with a woman from a non-profitable organization here in my home town.  She was looking for local celebrities to be "cast" for their Breast Cancer Awareness gala in October.  I said I would love to be a part of it and quickly agreed to be "cast." 

Now, coming from a theatrical background, "casting" to me is to be included on a roster of appearances.  I figured I would be singing, speaking, or just being apart of the night with the others, making an appearance.  

Boy was I wrong....  I got an e-mail today from the woman in charge and she was giving me the low down on the "casting." She explained that we would need to be doing it within the next two weeks and I would need to wear sweats because the plaster an be very messy.  PLASTER?? WHAT PLASTER??

If you haven't guessed it by now, they will be making a plaster cast of my breasts, which I will decorate and they will auction off for money.  I was a little shocked at first, thinking "What the heck have I gotten myself into??" But, now I am excited.  It's a different approach, but it's for a good cause.  Maury is thrilled non the less.  We'll see how it goes.  

Here we go again.

Last night was a really good time. I had a lot of fun and it was really good to see old friends from the pageant world. They crowned a wonderful, smart, talented and beautiful winner last night and I know she will make us all proud at Miss America in January. I'm excited to go to Vegas this year!

So the question on everyone's lips last night was "Are you coming back next year?"

The answer is.....yes. And for those of you who know my true identity, please do not tell anyone. I do not want anyone to know. I have already been bombarded with phone calls and e-mails, inviting me to compete at the locals.

I am really excited about giving it one more shot. It became very clear to me that my desire still existed to become Miss State. I love this organization so much and everything it stands for. It's still the dream and I am willing to risk humilty to try one more time. I know after this go around I will be able to walk away feeling complete. That I gave it everything I could.

This year is going to be different. I am doing things my way and I am going to be myself. I'm doing what I think is best and not what everyone thinks will win, because we all know that what one thinks will win a pageant isn't always true.

There are only a few words very near and dear to my heart to describe how I feel at the moment....

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

To write the unrightable wrong

To love pure and chaste from afar

To try, when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest, to follow that star

No matter how hopeless, no matter how far

To fight for the right without question or pause

To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest

That my heart will be peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this

That one man scorned and covered with scars

Still strove with his last ounce of courage

To reach, the unreachble, star.

I'm A Barbie Girl

I need to de-stress major.  I am so nervous about tonight.  I feel like I have to prove I've still got it.  I was talking to Maury on the phone last night and he asked what I was up to.  I said "Getting ready to put on self tanner."  He then gave me the most profound advice I think he's ever given  me.  He told me to show up as me, not who I think they want me to be.  I told him I wanted to look good and he said I looked great exactly the way that I am.  Awwwwww, I know right?

Maybe that's just it. Maybe I am still too obsessed with what they all are thinking.  I was planning on plastering on the stage makeup, the false eyelashes, and the self tanner, but for what?  To prove myself, or so I thought.  Why do I feel the need to continually prove something to these people?  I honestly think the real issue lies within myself.  I'm not good enough for me, not them.  

I've had this complex all my life and quite honestly I am ready to get over it.  I am sick of trying to please everyone, in what I think is a quest for perfection.  The right hair, body, makeup, attitude etc.  It's getting so old. 

So tonight I'm going as me.  Not Miss Perfect Awesome Pageant Girl.  If they don't like it....tough. 

Oh What A Night.

Tonight was a night, let me tell you.  

I had a good day.  Got up early and did some pilates :) Then headed off to my hair appointment.  I finished a little early, grabbed a quick lunch and went to work.  I showed up about 30 minutes early and it was a mad house.  Admits and discharges everywhere.  They told me "No one works for free around here, clock in and help." So I did.  

It was super crazy for the the first few hours.  We had a young boy on our floor who's mother was a witch.  Yep, that's right, a witch.  She wore a cape and the whole bit.  Long black hair, tons of gaudy jewelry etc.  She smokes like a freight train too.  Best of all she asked if she could bring up her "witch box" to hurry along her son's healing process.  "I really need to get some herbs and candles in this room" She claimed.  He had been there for about 4-5 days I think.  So today she started her "chants."  Did them for two hours.  They were quickly discharged after that.   She claims that wicca saved her son and got them out of there.  If she hadn't done the chants, they would still be there.  

Is this woman for real?  I am open to diversity among spirituality and religious beliefs but come on.  I can read people really well, and this woman is screaming for attention.  And the worst part of it is, is that she is raising a child amongst this garbage.  My heart aches for him.  He came to the nurses station and I asked him what he needed and he told me "I want out of this damn hospital."  He's 10.  What kind of 10 year old is allowed to speak to adults that way?  If I had said that to a nurse, my dad would have taken me out alright.  Out back for a beating.  

I can't help but feel sorry for people like this.  There is so much better out there for them.   A life that God created for them to live.  It blows my mind.  I am thankful I was raised the way I was.  Sure, my parents did some things that I don't agree with now, but nothing compared to that.  I just hope and pray that I can show God's love to everyone that comes across my path. 

I feel disgusted with myself right now.  There are many things about myself I wish I could change, but the one that NEEDS to change is laziness.  I am a complete couch potato and I hate it. I have no motivation to do anything that I am not required to do.  

Today was my day off this week and I did a few productive things, but definitely not enough.  My new furniture was delivered to the house.  In the end, I was missing three pieces but I quickly worked it out with the furniture company and will be receiving them end of this month.  Then I took a few things back to the mall, found a stunning little black dress to wear Saturday night among other items and painted my toenails.  

All of this sounds like a lot, but I feel like it is nothing.  I sat for a good 5 hours in front of the TV today.  Well, about three of those were spent in my bed watching a movie on my computer trying to fight off a headache.  But still....

This lifestyle just isn't acceptable to me anymore.  I needed to work out today and didn't,  I need to clean my house, get boxes for the big move, do laundry etc.  Why can't I get motivated to do these things?  I wish I were more like my mother.  She gets stuff done.  She is an excellent To Do lister and I above all wish I would have adopted that trait.  It bugs me to death knowing I spent that much time just sitting.  

So with all that said, I am making a change.  some say it takes 21 days to break a bad habit and tomorrow is number 1.  I am getting up when my body tells me to in the morning.  I wake up everyday at 7:50, on the dot. But, somehow I manage to fall back asleep until 9 or 10 and then I feel tired and sluggish all day.  So, tomorrow is the day.  I need you all (I write like a million people read this) to keep me accountable.  Here I come To Do world. 

To Dream The Impossible Dream.

I never expected this week to be this difficult.  

My dream, ever since I was a small child, was to be Miss America.  I competed in my home state for three years.  I was first runner up.....twice.  Two years in a row.  

This week is competition week, and I'm not competing.  I decided to take a year off, get to know myself, and focus on school and my job.  Oh how this year has flown by.  

When I decided not to compete, I was done.  Done with pageants. Done with the drama, the diets, the dresses etc.  I worked three long hard years of my life and I have many things to show for it.  A completely paid for college education, social skills, connections and friends and memories to last a lifetime.  However, it somehow doesn't feel complete.  It doesn't feel over, and I thought for some reason it would.  

I have been very nostalgic the last few days.  I sincerely miss it.  I miss the adrenaline rush.  I miss competing.  I miss the people.  I miss the feeling after an outstanding interview and talent performance.  

I don't know what is in store for my future.  I hate this limbo that I feel stuck in.  I feel like there are 100 reasons why I should give it one more shot, and 100 reasons why I shouldn't.  

I need a sign. An intervention from God.  I'm going to the finals on Saturday night with a very dear friend, whom I actually met through the competition.  I'm excited, but at the same time, thinking about sitting on the other side of the curtain makes my stomach turn.  I am so jealous that I am not on that stage working all I've got to prove to 7 people in three days that I am worthy of the crown.  I have several very good friends still competing.  I wish them all the best, but for some weird reason....I wish I could trade places with them.