A Mother's Love.

Imagine holding your baby boy in your arms the day he is born into the world. You promise him that you can and will do everything you can to ensure his well-being. He is everything to you, your whole world, and you finally know what it feels like to hold your whole heart in your hands.

Imagine watching him grow, his imagination running wild as a toddler, then into his adolescent years, which may not be so nice, but they are still full of unconditional love and hope. You make memories, you share traditions and even tears. You watch as he becomes a man and you are so proud when he brings his own children into the world. You thank God everyday for such a wonderful blessing. Such a selfless kind of love you have experienced.

Then one day, everything changes. He is working and is injured severely on the job. You get the phone call, he's in the hospital with a skull fracture and a broken arm. You pray on your way to the hospital, "Please God, be with my son."

He recovers and you go on about life and then come the complications. He has to be brought back in for another surgery to fix an infection. His condition is deteriorating and you have to watch him slowly slip away. He can no longer talk with you, he can hear what you are saying, but there is no response. You've made memories, shared traditions and now you have tears. Tears of sorrow and sadness. But in the midst of your heartache you find hope. You read to him from the Bible every day. You come alive when he wiggles his toes and lifts his finger ever so slightly. You have hope.

This has been my experience over the last two days in clinical. I have watched a mother tend to her child, her precious baby boy, as he slips away. His condition deteriorating. He is completely unresponsive but she still has hope. She still prays and reads to him from the Bible every morning at his bedside. She never leaves. She's a mother. There's nothing like a mother's love, it's unconditional and full of hope.

Glutton for Punishment

Sometimes I wonder why I torture myself with things that I know are no good for me. It's like looking away from a bad car wreck....no one does it, even though it's really none of your business and it slows traffic. A pet peeve of mine, rubber necking is.

I rubber neck things in my life that are better yet left alone. I know exactly what will be said or shared and I still engage. God has spoken with me on the matter quite often and I am sure that he laughs gloriously at me when I continue to torture myself. Some may call it disobedience, but I don't think so. It serves no good and he knows this and it only hurts me so I am really punishing myself. He probably thinks I am a fool, scoffs at me and says "Told you so."

So I was able to put facebook and my beloved twitter to bed (it's almost over!) for Lent, so why am I unable to throw this away? It's like a sad little dress hanging in the back of my closet. It looks hideous on me, but on the hanger it's so enticing and promising. But when you put it on, you get that pissed off feeling, like "why did I waste my freaking time?!"

So I'm taking my little dress to goodwill, if you will. Even though there is no "good" will about it.

What is Love?

I know what love is, but sometimes I wonder if others do. Maury has taught me about love. What it really means. My parents are good representatives of love. They've been married for 25 years. They're love is different, I think, than Maury and I's love. I would imagine that they're love is like a fine wine. It gets better with age. Tastes comfortable and warms the soul, but can still get you drunk when you have too much. Maury and I are like strong Vodka. One shot and we are all over each other. Yes, I am comparing love to alcohol.

Moving on.... I think parents display a different kind of love for their children. You have to. Of course, I don't have a clue what kind of love that is, because I have no children. All of this love talk is bringing me to a situation I am experiencing with a very close friend, Nikki.

She was my roommate in college and one of the best friends I have ever had. She's a boy's girl, like me. We each have a handful of girl friends and all the rest were boys. We both never really fit in with the other girls growing up. I hate girl drama and so does she. That's why we get along so well. Anyway, back to the situation. She has met a boy and fallen madly in love. I've known her all this time to not get serious with boys. She did once with one boy. Thought he was seriously the one and he told her she was. Then he stopped calling. Never returned her calls and the next thing we knew he showed up to a mutual friend's wedding with a blonde hairdresser. That was a night I'll never forget. This boy is different. I haven't heard that much about him, that's how I know. The more she talks, the less likely it is to work out.

So she is just head over friggin heals and I am so happy for her. There's only one problem. Her parents don't approve and not because he's a bad person, or anything like that, it's because he's black.

I have never felt so sorry for a friend in love in all my life. Which brings me back to my original point about the love parents have for their children. My parents have displayed this same type of love. Controlling love. Her parents have expressed their strong disapproval of him and their relationship and have said to her on many occasions that she "better not be with him" or "you better not be doing this or that." I couldn't help but recall my parents saying such things about me painting my bedroom in my new house. "No you are not painting your bedroom unless I approve of the color." Of course this is no comparison to her problem, but it's the same in a way.

Why can't some parents let go? I thought I was the only one I knew who had to deal with this kind of problem. Parents that won't let you make your own decisions. For a long time I was crippled by the fact that I felt I couldn't make my own decisions without their input. And they don't realize they are doing it. They think they are doing what is best for their child and they are helping, when in fact it's hindering the very process God has designed for people. Becoming your own person. When you meet the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with, you have to cleave to him or her. That's what the Bible says. The problem these days is that men and women aren't betrothed at the age of 12 any more. We are older. We don't get married before we can drive a car. We have been use to leaving our parents house and moving straight into marriage. That's a thing of the past.

I am glad though, that I have been through this situation and have seen the other side. God only knows I would have never been a prosperous, functioning member of society if I were still depending on my parents for the decision making. Now I am able to help someone else and that was the point all along. So as for her, I hope I can talk her through this. Help her get strong and stand up for herself.

Changes.

I couldn't even wait a week. I am over the pinkness. Back to brown/dark pink sophistication. It feels good to be home.

By The Way...

I think my new layout is waaaaay too girl/cutesy. It's making me wonder who threw up pepto bismol all over my blog. Anyone else (who actually reads this) think so? I almost feel as if I have lost IQ points because of this. Like, no one will take me seriously when they see the ribbons and bows.

Let me know your thoughts. I'm giving it a week.

Who Would Have Thought?

I'm a Prodder. A Picker, prodder, poker...anything I can do to get you to tell me what I sometimes think I want to hear. Then I realize it was probably better me not knowing. I do this all the time, torture myself with words and thoughts of what people are really thinking, doing and saying etc. I do it to Maury a lot and I HATE IT.

We have a had a beautiful week, and we haven't seen each other in two. I have missed him so terribly I can't sleep at night. I hate being away from him so long. We've talked every day, two or three times a day and it's been great. He went to Vegas with his buddies and the other men in his family this week. So of course, I prod. I poke and and I pick to find out if they did anything that I might not approve of. Sure enough, I got my answer. Of course it's nothing life threatening or horrific or even perverse, it's just something I would rather not be happening. So I get all upset and disgruntled, like that will change something and it irritates him. And of course, I can understand why. I am incessantly on a mission to make him perfect. I want him to never do wrong so that I don't have to worry about him. I don't ever want him to make mistakes and that's not fair. I feel horrible.

All I can do is pray. Pray for God to tell him the words that will make a difference. I can also pray that if need be, he uses me in the right way to speak to him. My devotion awhile back was about how our men aren't perfect and sure, we probably think they need to make changes, but we have to leave the changing up to the Holy Spirit. We (it refers to us a wives, but I'm not a wife yet.) are here to be encouraging, uplifting and supportive. It will never work to tear them down when attempting to build them up.

That's a hard pill for me to swallow I guess. Letting someone else have control. So maybe the lesson in all of this was actually for me. Who would have thought?

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying.

If we had everything we ever needed or wanted right now, there would be no point in living the rest of the life God gave us. No suspense, no surprises and no joy in receiving the things we prayed or hoped for. We'd have nothing left to work hard for. We would be bored.

This is a recent revelation I have had. I wish this would have come sooner, but then again, I should probably read the above statement when I wish for things like that. :)

Thanks to the good Lord above for this one.

Preparations...

Crunch time is coming and I am so busy and bustling about life. I love being busy, working 12-18 hour days. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. My two main focuses right now are school (of course) and my state pageant coming soon.

School is a BLAST. I have never had this much fun. When I was working on my Associates degree in Pre-Nursing, I hated going to school. I skipped a lot and was late to class a lot. I still made the grades, but I just loathed giving up my entire morning to studying Salmonella and E.coli in Micro. I'd rather see a craniotomy or write up a fabulous care plan. This is why I love, love, love nursing school. I get up every morning, some mornings enthusiastic, some not so much, and I go to school. I don't ever contemplate missing and I have been late to only one lecture this semester.

My state pageant is coming soon as I said before. This year is different for me. It's better, more laid back and everything is working out flawlessly and according to plan. Of course, I know I will have some bumps and maybe some bruises (we've all had those) along the way, but I'm not worried in the least. All in God's hands and timing I say.

So things are getting vigorous. I am dieting, working out twice a day on most days and throwing in cardio when I can, and getting paperwork, pictures and my talent track together. I am so excited to these next few weeks!

Emphasis on Influence

It often amazes me at the extraordinary influence Maury has on me. I don't know why I expect that he shouldn't, because it's supposed to happen in a relationship. My therapist (yes I have one, I think everyone should) says that relationships are about "growing each other up." You make each other better people.

I smile when I think about all the awesome things he has taught me. We had an in depth conversation about politics this weekend. Politics are a subject that I particularly don't care to discuss often. I think it breeds arguments and makes people tense and standoffish. Maury and I have very similar political beliefs, which is necessary, but we never have really had an in depth discussion about them. He is so smart and makes me think in ways I haven't before.

He also makes me want to be a positive, just generally happy person. He worries about nothing, literally nothing. I always worry about him. Worry about him in school, what he is doing everyday, if he makes the right decisions, etc. It consumes my life at times. I worry about him being a good person more than I do myself. I place really high expectations on him, often higher expectations that I have for myself. I want him to be perfect, so I don't have to worry. It's really toxic thinking and a toxic lifestyle. I hate it. I wish I could just live my life and not freaking worry so much. I have no confidence. He helps bring that out in me. He told me this weekend to "Quit looking for reasons for things to be wrong, quit looking for problems!" What an extraordinary but oh so simple solution to my molehill-out-of-a-mountain problem.

So another ode to Maury. Thank you God for bringing someone into my life to give me a swift kick in the pants once in awhile.