Wasted

There are some things in my life, I don't think I will ever understand.

Every morning when I wake up, I pray for God to grant me graciousness. I want to be the person that everyone likes to be around. Someone who genuinely cares for people and is always thankful and above all graceful.

I know I can be loud and probably obnoxious at times. I can even be needy and I often don't know when to shut my mouth, which can get me in trouble. I am passionate about life and that can turn into drama. It's because I want so much out of this life and what it has to offer. I don't want to waste one second of my time on the petty and insignificant things.

There are two girls in my clinical group, who I thought were my friends. They went to visit another unit last week and weren't shy about telling everyone how horrible and boring it was. There was a comment made about me that "I would have loved being there because all they did was sit on their asses all day." This comment maybe wouldn't have hurt so bad if she hadn't said it to my face, twice. I was a little caught of guard and asked her why she thought I "sat on my ass all day," and she said well when we were in interventional rotation together, every time I came into the room, you were sitting down. I told her that I would let her in on little secret.... I have had scoliosis since I was in the sixth grade and cannot stand for longer than 30 minutes-an hour. It hurts my back very badly. Needless to say she didn't believe me and called me a liar and the other girl said that "everyone has some curve in their spine...."

So today was our last day of clinical and we all brought food and goodies for the nurses to snack on. I was the one who volunteered to pick everything up and I ended up paying the most money, because I like to do nice and thoughtful things for people. I was sitting at the table and she whips out her camera and starts taking pictures of me, while I am talking to another student and I hear her say, "Let's take a picture of what Emma does all day!"

My point is, I don't get mean girls. I could never say things like that to a person and if I have and knew I hurt their feelings it would devastate me. How are people so mean? You never know someone's situation or story and yet you judge them. She will never know what it is I have to go through because of my circumstances. Being told at a very young age, I would never get to take dance again and that if I didn't continue painful chiropractor adjustments, I would have to have a rod placed in my back. She'll never know that on top of being in school I work up to 16 hours every single day preparing for my state pageant and I have a job on the side to boot. And she calls me lazy and says I sit on my ass all day long.

I don't want this post to be a whoa is me post, but I needed to express my feelings here. I feel like I do so much and yet people are still negative and judgmental towards me. I shouldn't expect thanks and praise, I know and I don't, but it would be nice if someone could try to understand. I certainly know that I would.

I can only hope and pray that I am never like this. That God will grant me the wisdom to know better and to never, ever make someone feel the way those two girls made me feel.

I am not even sure that I know how to start this post. It's about guilt or somewhat. I understand that the situation in Haiti is dire. That there are needs all across this world in very impoverished areas. The images we see are horrifying. They're gut wrenching and they often have the effect of making people want to get up from their couch/desk chair/church pew and be somebody or do something. But not me.

I have a passion for ill people whether it be, mental, physical or emotional, that's why I want to be a nurse. But I don't want to see it every single day. I feel guilty that I look away when a church I go to plays an emotional video of the situation in Haiti. Or when I see the commercials for Toms shoes. I feel like for some reason I should be there slaving away in a dirty shirt and jean shorts helping them and deep down, I don't want to. I don't want to live in Africa or Haiti and tend to the sick and ill there every day.

I want to serve the children in the hospitals here in America. I want to be able to go home to my nice house with my beautiful children and husband. Maybe I will take a missions trip to these other places but for some reason I am so scared that God will one day call me to live there or something, and I don't want that. One reason is because I know Maury would never go with me. It's not that he doesn't want to help it's that Africa isn't his style and it's certainly not mine either.

I am all of the sudden (as I am typing this) recalling a sermon by the pastor of the church that I attend regularly. He said that when he became a Christian the devil would make him feel guilty about the ways in which he expressed his faith. He felt guilty and felt obligated to carry his Bible everywhere he went and while he was at school if the Bible was covered by another book or in his bag or something, where people couldn't see it, he would hear a voice saying he wasn't a true Christian. He went as far as stopping, regularly, on the side of the road to talk to strangers and the homeless about Jesus. He felt "called" to do extreme things and if he wasn't doing them, then he wasn't truly serving the Lord.

Maybe this is my situation. I know I am called to help Children I just want it to be here. There is no sense in worrying about the future because all we really have is today right?

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not harm you. To give you hope and future."